An Empty Nest and the World is My Oyster

We are more than halfway through 2022 and I've only blogged two times this year. My biggest personal accomplishment this year has been that I ran several 5K runs and my first 10K. My second biggest achievement has been that I finally put my 25 year old novel out into the world. The third goal I've accomplished is to do well in my career, chiefly making my goals consistently. My current and most pressing goal is to get these kids off to New York and for them to find an apartment. I picture them living over a deli or restaurant in a building like this is Queens. This is a photo of a building in Brooklyn, but same idea.

I am at a very interesting point in my life. Both my kids will be gone to college now and I'm going to be somewhat of an empty nester. I say "somewhat" because they will still be coming home for holidays and the summer. (There's also the possibility that Miranda may go to medical school in Houston next year.) Other than those times, I will be alone for three months at a time to do more of the things I want to do. 

I wrote about this a year ago and how I felt like I was on the cusp of something amazing. I still feel like that and that I'll be open to more opportunities. I feel like I did in 1993 when I had just graduated from college, started working, and I had my whole life ahead of me. I was free to do anything I wanted to do. I wish I had really appreciated it then. But I'll be there again soon, except this time I have a lifetime of experience that I didn't have back then and I know what little time I have left on this earth.

One of the great things about being where I am in my life is not having the desire to procreate. I wrote about this freedom a while ago when I turned forty-seven. It's a very freeing feeling when you don't really care what men think of you. I'm not out to impress a potential mate any more because I'm done with that biological phase of my life. 

With all this in mind I've created five and thirteen year plans for the things I want to achieve. For these next few years that the kids are in school I want to take in as much art and literature as I can and in turn I also want to create as much as possible. I want to write earnestly and I want to complete a few books, not just this one. I have more personal goals and I want to dream big. I want to be like Grandma Moses and other people who have successfully achieved their goals in the last half of their life. Those people inspire me and are my heroes. 

However, in order to do any of these things successfully I need to be sure I'm around long enough to do them. Exercise and eating right have to be the bedrock on which I build the rest of my goals. If I don't have my health it will be harder to achieve my goals. That's a whole other conversation and post, but one I've blogged about several times over the years. All I have to do is read my blogs from 2021 and I'm reminded of all the reasons why I need to do better before I run out of time. 

Speaking of running, I've been physically running a lot for the past year, but I have realized that nothing works as well as riding my Peloton. I had my blood drawn on Friday for some doctor's appointments coming up and I can literally see the difference in some of my counts during the time that I was riding the bike. It's what works for me and I need to stick with what works. Back to the Peloton drawing board!

"She's Leaving Home"

The day before we left to New York last week I finally played "She's Leaving Home" by the Beatles to Miranda while we were in the car. I cried for the first time. It hit me that she was leaving the next day. I didn't outright cry, I just shed a few tears but she saw it. We were leaving on Wednesday morning at 5 am to the airport so the song really hit a soft spot and I know I sound cliche but it does feel like just yesterday she was going to kindergarten.

Move In Day at Long Island University

So last week her father and I flew to New York with our girl on a Wednesday morning. We went shopping with her, helped her move in on Thursday, shopped some more, stayed with her near campus, and left her there on Sunday early afternoon. I was sad but I didn't cry. I was strong because I am so happy and excited for her! I'm so excited as she starts this new journey and has this amazing opportunity to attend an east coast small private school. I know it will offer her so many great opportunities in the medical field. She has her whole life in front of her and it's such an exciting place to be. How can I not be happy and excited?

Unpacking in her dorm room.

Long Island is such a beautiful area! I knew nothing about it before she applied at Long Island University. The towns are great. I can't wait to explore different areas on other visits there. There's a lot to see! We stayed in an Airbnb in Glen Cove so we were very close to the campus. The school is in Brookville.

We loved Oyster Bay and Teddy Roosevelt's house Sagamore Hill. I loved learning so much about this total bad-ass president. He did so much in his life! We visited Beth Page Black and saw the beautiful club house. I even got to visit an old cemetery across the street! I didn't have time to drive the whole length of the Hamptons, which I would have loved to do, so I just went to West Hampton. It was still beautiful and the houses are amazing.

On our last night we went into the city. Those of you who know me know how much I love Manhattan. I just feel excited when I'm there! We went to Zabar's to buy coffee and Miranda got a couple of things for her room. Then we drove down the length of Manhattan to the financial district to a place Rey and I hadn't been to in about nine years. It's this great Irish restaurant pub called Killarney Rose. The pastrami was just as delicious or more delicious than we remembered it! Miranda said that it wasn't just the best pastrami she's ever had, but the best food she had ever tasted.

We ended the night by walking to the Brooklyn Bridge and getting ice cream before heading back to the car to drive back to Long Island.

Eating Ralph's Ices

The next morning we had breakfast in an adorable diner where I heard about egg cream for the first time. I'd never heard about it before so the waitress made me some so I could taste it. Miranda and I decided it tastes like cream soda. I also had to try Ralph's ices before leaving. The only thing I forgot was to buy bagels to bring back home and to the office.

Today makes a week since we dropped her off . She started class on Wednesday and we've talked and texted every day. We've only Facetimed a couple of times. She's been getting adjusted and learning how to adult. I was so relieved to hear that they have a shuttle bus that takes them off campus to the Broadway Mall or the train station. Now I don't feel like she's going to be stuck on campus without a car. So far she likes all her classes and I love that they are tiny. Her biggest class has around 30 people in it.

She is starting a new phase in her life just as I get to the end of the second third of my life.  Her going to college is the start of my #3yearplan. These are my last three years with a child in the house and I need to start my plan for what I'm going to do once I'm an empty nester, or the last phase of my life. More on that later.

I just bought tickets to visit with Seth for Thanksgiving. He didn't get to go drop off Miranda because he had started school. We will be there Wednesday through Saturday so she doesn't spend Thanksgiving alone.

As I write this the song "Landslide" (Dixie Chicks version) plays in my ears. Never did these words ring so true, "Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too"
- Stevie Nicks

Finishing the Second Third of My Life Strong

In September of last year I blogged about having a personal brand and how the ultimate goal of this blog and my social media posts is to build a following as a writer. I'm yet to publish anything other than this blog and a couple of things online, but my goal remains the same. I have two sets of hashtags that I started using to increase my followers. One set I use when it's mostly about me and another set that are about me as a mother. Both include the hashtag #4yearplan which refers to the fact that I have four years left with my two kids.

In a few short months my daughter is graduating from high school. We are in the home stretch having her prom dress altered, preparing for Senior Night at the last lacrosse season game, taking more senior photos with her brother, and graduation party. It's all so much!

But at the end of all of this she will have made a college decision and she will most likely be going away to school out of state. When she's gone I'll only have three years left with my son to do it all over again. I'll have to prepare him for college, get him to apply for scholarships, etc.

Three years. What will I do in those three years to prepare to be an empty-nester? It's definitely something I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about my health and how I have to get back in the saddle again. I've fallen off the Peloton horse for a few weeks now and I need to get back on. I know I will. I have a new goal to reach #200by1year. So there's that. I have goals I want to reach by 50, writing goals and goals I want to reach by the time my son is in college.

I'm sad but I'm also happy. I know that when they are both grown and on their own I'll feel a little sad but I'll also be so proud of them. I'll be a little sad for myself because that part of my life will be over but I'm also excited to start the last third of my life.

I see our lives in thirds, not in halves like most people say. The first third was my childhood and my single life, the second third was my married life and being a mother, my last third will be about me and finding myself again. I half joke with the kids that once they are in college I am done with them and if they need to live with someone after they they graduate, they will have to live with their dad.

It's hard to believe I'm planning for that time and that my children will be adults soon. One is an adult technically but I don't think it will really hit her until she's in college. The time got here way too fast and these three years will also fly by. I need to get on this #3yearplan with my vision board and a timeline. Let's finish this second third of my life strong so I can move on to the last third.

"I'm OK By Myself"

When I was young and single my mother used to tell me I was "libre y en Tejas" or "free in Texas." She especially said that to me when I would call late at night to tell her I was spending the night at a friend's house. After she died and after my divorce I had this Texas charm engraved with the word "libre."

The thing is though, I have never been truly libre. I lived at home until I got married at 27, like a dutiful Hispanic daughter, I was married for 14 years and after my divorce I had 2 children. Then a year and a half after my divorce my father moved in. In other words I have lived with a man, except for that short year and a half, my entire life. If you add the fact that I have lived with my children since my divorce then I have never lived alone. Never. Even the summer I did an internship in Florida in 1991 my mother's stipulation was I had to live with someone so I rented a room from two older ladies.

The hilarious part about it is that I am not the kind of person who has to live with someone or needs to have someone in her life. I enjoy being alone and I have never had a problem doing things alone in the past. I've traveled alone, I've gone to concerts and I eat out alone. I was reading my journal from 1992 recently and I had so many entries where I did things by myself. I'd go to Fitzgerald's to hear a band play if I wanted to and I usually ran into friends there. I'd go to parties alone as long as I knew the host. I once traveled to Spain and back. I was with friends in between but I stayed by myself in my own pensione and had some nights out alone.

This past Friday my ex-husband picked up the kids right after he got out of work. That meant that I didn't have to rush home to get them packed and ready to go like I usually do when they go over to his house. I had plans to attend a lecture performance that night and I realized that I could go straight from work and I even had some extra time before it started. The event was at the Byzantine Chapel at the Menil. I'd wanted to try the Bistro Menil but I always have the kids in tow. This time I had nothing to hold me back. I stopped there first and ordered a glass of wine and a small appetizer, some ahi tuna. Everything was delicious and I wrote a rough draft for this blog while I sat at the bar.

When I was finished I drove over closer to Byzantine and found a parking spot on that block. The lecture performance wasn't exactly what I had expected. It was more of a reading than a lecture and the girl was really really young. I enjoyed it none-the-less but more than anything I thoroughly enjoyed being out by myself. It was such a liberating moment. It's not that I can't do that if I want to, it's simply that I don't do it any more. Not like I used to when I was young. I felt so free. So libre!

After the lecture I met up with some friends for margaritas and I finally saw my friends' company. It was much needed ME time and a wonderful night. As I'm getting older my priorities are shifting. I get so much pleasure from those stolen moments without the kids or my father.

I wrote last time about becoming an empty nester and preparing for life after kids. Part of that preparation is getting out again.  I want to have more nights like the one I had on Friday and I will. In the words of Morrissey, "I'm OK by myself."

My Three and Six Year Plans

A couple of months ago it really hit me. My daughter is leaving our house in three years. Tomorrow she starts her sophomore year of high school and that only leaves us three years. Three years is nothing!

This means that I have six years left with my son and provided they both go out of state, or at least out of the city, I will be alone. I will be an empty nester!

A few days after that realization hit me I wanted to do something after work and I asked my daughter if she wanted to order pizza for dinner.

“I can do that?” she asked surprised.

“Sure,” I said, “Just go online to either the Dominoes or the Pizza Hut websites and see who has the better deal. Use your credit card and order it for delivery.”

After texting me a couple of times she managed to get it all done and to figure out the tip. I was at a happy hour with co-workers and I told them what was going on. They praised me for raising a good girl that would check in with me first before making a final decision on the purchase. But I was also reminded that at fifteen it was time for her to learn some of these life skills.

I am at a point in my life where I need to make a three year plan and a six year plan. The three year plan is about making sure my daughter knows all the things that she needs to know before going off to college. This includes driving, self-defense, how to manage a checking account, grocery shopping, to name a few things. It also includes all the things we have to do to get her into college, like researching scholarships and applying for those that are a fit. Of course the most important thing, keeping her on track between lacrosse and her academics to make sure she does excel in school, on her SAT and then applying to colleges.

The six year plan is a plan that includes both my son and I. First and foremost we have to get him through the dreadful years of middle school. He has to do well in 7^th grade because those are the grades that will be considered in his high school applications. We need to find high schools that are a good fit for him and we need to apply to those. I live in the City in the Houston Independent School District so Magnet schools are the only way to go. Thank goodness those applications will be happening a year before my daughter’s college applications.

On top of all that, he’s interested in joining some sports teams while he’s in middle school, like football and cross country. I want to encourage his interest in pursuing sports because I feel that they will keep him focused and busy.

Once the girl is in college I start all over again with the boy on the life skills that he will need to know for college three years later. Of course he will have the advantage of watching his sister prepare and will hopefully learn some of those too along the way.

I have to have a six year plan for myself. I can’t lose sight of me because it’s very easy to do that when you are in the thick of high school and college applications with your kids. Between lacrosse games, football games, track meets, school programs, and dances, I’m sure I will lose sight of myself if I don’t keep that in mind.

So how do I do that as a mom? That’s part of what I need to figure out when I’m making this six year plan. My plan has to include my personal and professional goals and what I want to accomplish at this time in my life. Where do I want to be in six years once they are gone? What do I want for myself?

Most people think that it’s only new moms who need to work on not losing themselves. I think that it can be just as hard for a mom with teenage children because of the amount of activities involved in their daily lives.

On the plus side, teenagers don’t need me as much as a baby did. Teenagers can order pizza for dinner and they are caught up in their own social lives and activities. I don’t have to watch them 24/7 like I did when they were little but I do have to be aware of what they are doing. Teenagers are okay if I leave them alone, together, for a couple of hours in the evening to go have dinner or drinks with a friend. However teenagers will keep me busy when they have something going on.

So just like when they were babies I have to follow the same advice on some things. I can’t forget to take time out for myself. I need to go to book readings or to listen to lectures. As a single mom I have the advantage of having weekends alone when they are with their dad. I need to have dinner and drinks with friends.

I need to make a new vision board of all the things I want to accomplish in the next six years. Because six years are going to fly by and before I know it they’ll both be gone and I’ll be all alone in the nest.

I know that as a mother my life will truly never be the same as it was before I was one. I know that when they are in college I'll worry about them and how they are doing, but it will be a new-found freedom in so many ways.

One of my friends who has five years left with her girls has said that she's letting her company know that in five years she'll be ready for any expat assignments. I've been thinking something along the same lines. In six years I may be open to taking a job assignment in another city, either with Hearst or another newspaper in another part of the country. There are so many possibilities, so many options in six years. I feel like the world is going to be my oyster again for the last half of my life and that is a good feeling.