You Left Too Soon

The end of 2024 was not what I expected. 

I lost my friend, my co-parent, the man I couldn't be married to, the man I couldn't live with, but the man I still relied on, on Sunday, November 17. 

He celebrated his 54th birthday on Saturday, November 16, went home around 2 a.m., went to bed, and didn't wake up the next morning. 

I couldn't write anything about it at first. I didn't post anything to social media until two days after he passed. On the first Wednesday after he died I didn't have anything written for my writing group, so I wrote something about him. I think I summed it all up in that piece, down below. 

I started writing this blog post at the end of 2024 and never finished it. Now here we are mid-March of 2025 and my daughter asked me if I ever wrote a blog about him. 

I think about all the blogs I've written over the years. When I started this blog in November of 2004 Seth was six months old and I talked about Rey and being married to him a lot. I talked about the challenges of being the parents of young children and having to juggle all that we had to do. 

Later I blogged about my upcoming divorce in 2011 and about the challenges of being a single mother. We had our ups and downs, but we found a way to work around the tough times. In the end, we were great co-parents and we raised good people. 

This is not how I thought 2024 would end or the blog I would be writing. I really didn't. So instead I wrote nothing. 

I mourn that loss. I'm still mourning my children's loss and pain, but I also mourn with my own pain. He may have been a very difficult person with many imperfections, but he was still my co-parent, my partner, and the person I called first. 

We had a very private viewing for only immediate family at the end of November. Then we had a celebration of his life the first weekend of January. The mariachis ended their set with "El Rey" and we all took a tequila shot in his honor. We also invited the guests to sing their favorite karaoke songs, because that's what he loved doing.

The children each said a few words about him, as did his partner Leisa, his grandson, his best friend, my best friend's son, and me. 

When I spoke, I shared the piece that I had written for my writing group a few days after he died.

You Left Too Soon

I loved you. I hated you. I had all the feelings in between. All the time…

You were my husband , my lover, my friend, you were the father of my children. You gave me the best parts of you to make them and I grew them in my body. You were a part of my body too, your DNA mixed with mine to make them.

They say that when a baby is growing inside a mother, the cells travel to the heart. Their cells had your cells too. So if that’s the case, then parts of you traveled there and I’ll carry you in my heart forever…

At this point, at the age of fifty-four, we had known each other more than half our lives and you were such a big part of mine. You took up so much space and I was constantly trying to fight it.

We couldn’t work out as a married couple, but we chose to be good parents. I knew this came with a cost and I was willing to make that sacrifice for our children. I knew that meant having you inserted into every aspect of our life and I allowed it. Even when it was too much. When you were too much. 

I let it happen because I worried about you. I worried about how fragile you could be and I think I was one of the few people who knew that.

I chose to look at the good parts of you. The parts I loved and what made us better parents together and the parts that made us good friends. I know that was hard for others to understand. 

We loved our children and were so proud of them.

We still loved all the same music.

We still liked a lot of the same shows.

We still laughed together.

We still knew one another better than anyone else. 

We still carried regrets.

We still knew how to say “I’m sorry” and you were still saying that to me.

I accept your apology. 

Now that your life was cut short, I don’t regret anything at all. I understand that you were always meant to be a part of me.

Half Way Through the Year Check-In

We are actually past the official half-way point of the year. That would be June 30th, but it's only been 21 days since then so I think it's safe to still call this post a half way check-in. 

I'm still collaging like crazy. Some weeks more than others because life, work, other things come up. I've definitely found my niche and I love creating collages with vintage materials. I love old books, old children's books illustrations, old letters, old envelopes and stamps, old ledger books with actual handwriting in them, old newspapers... basically anything old. And my newest obsession is anything tiny.. like tiny flowers, small old keys, tiny hearts and shapes, etc... If you have anything tiny hanging around your house throw it my way. 

I love creating all size collages, even big oversized ones, but my favorites have to be the minis, anything 4 inches by 4 inches or smaller. I've created a 4 piece set on some playing cards and would like to do more. 

I'm taking a huge leap and doing something that's brave for me. I'm entering an art show on July 27. 

I'm entering four 4x4 pieces and a four matchboxes. Yes, you read that right. I collaged on four tiny matchboxes with some of those tiny things inside. So if you're in Houston next weekend, come on out and see me! I'll be there from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. peddling my wares. There will be a lot of great art by many artists. 

My collages have definitely been evolving. Here's one that I made with my mother's old cigar box. My mom didn't smoke, but apparently she liked old cool stuff too. I must have gotten it from her. I scanned the cigar box with my phone and came up with these cool images.

Other than making collages I'm taking on way too much in my life as usual. Sometimes my life reminds me of that last semester of college before I graduated. I insanely took 22 hours and four of those were literature classes. I made all As and Bs. For some reason, when I have a lot to do I organize myself and I get it all done. When I don't have enough to do I get lazy and I procrastinate. Insane, I know. 

I'm still active with the Westcott Cemetery Association and our mission to restore the historical McDaniel Street Cemetery. I'm starting a fundraising campaign in the next week so I'll be posting a lot about that on social media. 

I celebrated my 54th birthday in February and so far so good! First I celebrated with a fabulous dinner at Union Kitchen with all my close friends. Then I celebrated by treating myself out to a night of dancing at my friend's son's club, Mi Amor. So much fun dancing the night away!  I'm going in for my annual physical in August so hopefully I'll have good things to report.

I didn't go to as many Rodeo events as years past, but Miranda celebrated her birthday there and was happy. We had a fun night watching the concert and celebrating at the various tents. 

I won a Publisher's Club award at work, which means I was one of the best over-all sales people for 2023. That was really cool and my work is what makes it possible for me to support my family and do all the things I love to do. 

Miranda and I did a long weekend in New Orleans in March and had a blast. So much fun! I love that city. 

I continued to work on Hearst Gives Back and as a Hearst Change Agent in Action and this makes my heart happy. I love the work that we do as a corporation and as a newspaper. We volunteered again to serve dinner at the Star of Hope Women and Family Development Center and we volunteered with Nerdy Girl Success. 

In April we got to view the amazing total eclipse of the sun in San Antonio. Even though it was super cloudy we got to view a little bit of it and were part of history. The most special part was that we were able to share it with the kids' grandmother Yolanda and their sister and nephew who were visiting from New Orleans. 

The school year ended and my son Seth did really well and was on the Dean's List both the fall and spring semesters at LIU Brooklyn! That always makes a mama's heart happy. He was 6 months old when I started this blog!

My mentee Ashley graduated from the University of Houston Downtown and received a promotion at work right after. She works at one of my customers, the Houston Humane Society, which on a personal level is close to my heart. They helped when Seth rescued some kittens from a mechanic shop last summer. 

In June I had the privilege of having a front row seat watching my cousin, the author Oscar Casares add to his creative project, Postcards from the Border. I can't wait to see the finished production in January. He conducted family interviews at a family party in the Rio Grande Valley. Here is a link to view what the production is all about and now he's adding in the interviews. 

Then finally my own writing. The whole reason I started this blog on November 25, 2004. The novel I mentioned 20 years ago, Broken Cousins, can be found on Amazon's KindleVella. It only took me 18 years to publish it. It's not my best work, but I had to put it out there to move on mentally. 

Yes, I am still writing and working with the Central Nebraska Writing Group. I've read and re-read my novel to them and I know where I need to do the work. I know what I need to do to make it better. I just have to make the time to do it. Meanwhile (yes I'm insane) I'm also going to start a new Kindle Vella short novella, publishing one episode at a time, as I go. Keep an eye out for that soon. You can google me on Amazon and see what I've written.

I still have five Little Libraries in Laundromats, but I'm delegating it to Miranda while she's working and still living in Houston. She's already designed a new business card for us! 

Yes, I live a busy life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I work full-time selling advertising and defending the free press, I try to exercise regularly and eat well. I volunteer with work sponsored events, I volunteer with the historic cemetery, I make collages and I write. Soon I'll be adding another board position to my plate, but more on that later. Life is good and I am grateful. 

Recap of 2023 and Onward Forward into 2024

As we enter 2024 here's a recap of what I was up to in 2023.

My Art/Collaging

I have to mention collaging first because this is something that I have really been enjoying and it's so good for my soul. It's soothing and almost like meditating. It's funny because I've always considered myself an artist because I'm a writer, but I've never considered myself a visual artist. Collaging has made me realize I am an artist. Honestly I think all of us can be artists.

I've created over twenty collages since February when I started collaging with Scissors of Texas. Some are good, some are okay, some are simple and some are elaborate. This one is one of my favorites. The prompt word was Magic and I decided to represent everything that is magic to me-Art, writing, corporate philanthropy, cemeteries and books. 

My Novel/My Writing

It's a slow process and I need to be more self-disciplined. That's my goal for 2024. I'm going to buckle down and really work on editing my novel the way it should be edited and not half-ass. I still meet with the Central Nebraska Writing Group every month to read what I'm working on and to push ahead. It keeps me honest and consistent. I'm so grateful to this group for being my sounding board.

Corporate Philanthropy

I've served as the Hearst Gives Back Champion at the Houston Chronicle for almost a year and half. It's interesting to think about what brought me to this point in my career. It all started with Little Libraries in Laundromats and serving on the board of the Westcott Cemetery Association. Those were two passions that I pursued on my own time. 

In 2022 I received a service award for my work with the little libraries. I feel like that was my butterfly effect. After I received the award our HR VP asked me if I was interested in leading our Hearst Gives Back efforts at the Chronicle. Somewhere around that same time I also completed our DEI training called Hearst Conscious Inclusion. When I graduated I became a Change Agent. In 2023 I was asked to lead a team a team of Change Agents in Action and I've been busy organizing volunteer efforts for the Chronicle team, but also to fulfill our goal to volunteer with organizations that empower women and girls. I also lead our United Way campaign efforts.

This volunteer work with the Houston Chronicle and Hearst has really awakened something in me. I've realized how much I enjoy working in corporate philanthropy and it's made me feel like I have a purposeful career. I'd like to explore this in the future, after Seth is done with college.

My Career

I had a phenomenal 2023 and I only hope to match and surpass it in 2024. I'm grateful all the good things that happened in 2023 and I will work hard to keep it going. I'm constantly looking for ways that I can refill the bucket and keep my pipeline full. I believe that the energy I put in is the energy I get out of it. 

Zig Ziglar said, "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." I have this quote as a screen saver on my computer. 

As I approach my 54th birthday next month it's hard to believe that I will be retiring from my day job in 11 years. Eleven years will pass me by in no time. I need to make sure that I have everything in place for when that day comes, so I have both a 6 year and an 11 year plan. 

My Family

We had a graduation in the family. Miranda graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Health Sciences in May. She started working in the Pathology and Bone Marrow department at MD Anderson Cancer Center in July. Seth finished his freshman year and got his first real job during the summer. He went back to school in the fall and finished the fall semester strong. He's home for winter break now. 

I am grateful for all the great things that happened this year. 

I Hung the Halloween Wreath

September flew by and I'm SO EXCITED that it's October. Bring on the cool weather! Today I did something small, that is actually quite huge. I hung this Halloween wreath, that my daughter made, on my door. 

Most of you may look at this and wonder why it's a huge step for me until I tell you that I've never decorated for Halloween in my 53 years of life. I've never put up a wreath like this, announcing to every person that comes to my door that I celebrate Halloween. 

Even though I've posted photos of myself in costume, at my friend's house giving candy to kids and such over the years, there's something more personal and significant about me hanging this wreath on the door to my home. It's a message to everyone that I will never be a part of my old religion again and that I don't care who knows it. 

I struggled even saying that this is huge, because by saying it, I feel like I'm giving my old religion more importance and power than I should. It suggests that I'm still controlled in some way. I told my daughter this and she pointed out that there's nothing wrong with acknowledging it, because the religion was such a big part of my life for so many years. It's natural to feel something.

She's right. 

“I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.” - Collette

Everything in my past shaped who I am and by leaving an organized religion I learned how strong I was. I didn't realize how strong, until I had to discuss it with my elderly father. As the youngest daughter, and the last, to leave the religion that was a hard conversation to have. 

So if I could have that conversation with a person I loved, if I could disappoint him, and stand by my decision, I can hang this wreath on my door. 

Celebrate All the Things! Happy Half Birthday to Me

This Thursday marks 28 years since my sister Hilda passed on from this earth. Last week while my daughter and I were cleaning my upstairs room we found an old card she gave me. I was 24 when she wrote these words to me. She was 41 and was diagnosed with leukemia four months later.

What a great reminder from her that I need to keep working on my fitness and eating right. What got me was the "Love you always and forever" part. It reminded me of the quote, "Love transcends time and space." Thank you Hilda for the reminder!

I'm going to wear her earrings on August 10 to celebrate her spirit. In her 30s and 40s she always wore big loud earrings, bright colors and cool shoes. I told myself years ago that I would celebrate every year that I live past 42, the age she was when she passed away and I can't lose sight of that promise. I recently told a friend that we have to #celebrateallthethings, because she wasn't acknowledging her victories, and I need to practice that too. 

Me wearing Hilda's earring in 2016. 

This week is also my half birthday. Tomorrow on Friday the 11th I'm halfway to 54 and it's the time of year when I review my goals and how I'm doing. It's also a good excuse to celebrate!

If I choose to concentrate on the positive I can say that I've gotten a lot of things done lately. I cleaned out half of my garage and I finally cleaned out the extra bedroom upstairs with the help of my children and my son's good friend. I'm getting my son's doctor's appointments done before he has to go back to school in New York in September. 

I finally got my mammogram and extra ultrasound done and I had all my yearly physicals. All is looking good across the board, from my breasts, to my cholesterol, A1c level, and heart. I've even dropped 16 pounds in a year, which is always a win. 

I've made a morning meditation a daily habit, but I will have to revise my overly ambitious goal of either 400 or 500 Peloton rides by 54. I'm thinking that what sounds more realistic and cool is 354 rides and strength workouts by 54. #354to54 is being sensible. 

I've also done a good job of editing my novel right before each Central Nebraska Writing Group meeting, so I can read for the group at our bi-monthly meetings. Goal is to have a portion done for each meeting, so I can have the whole book edited in approximately 9 more months or less. It's a marathon, not a sprint and I want to do it right this time. 

On another note, at my day job of selling advertising and doing my part to defend the free press... I'm so happy that I can bring my whole self to work and that I can follow things I'm passionate about. We have an awesome DEI training called Hearst Conscious Inclusion and when we complete the training we become "Change Agents." I'm now working with a group called "Change Agents in Action." I'm leading a group of Hearst employees from other divisions and our focus will be on external projects for Women's Rights. I can't wait to see the work we all do and I'm so grateful for the opportunity! I was also asked to do something else, but more to come later. 

In my little libraries world. I am so happy to report that an organization is donating two bookshelves for my little libraries and a local art organization wants to paint them for me. I'm so excited to see what they do! 

In my historic cemetery world. I'm looking for a corporate sponsor who will do matching donations for Giving Tuesday for the Historic McDaniel Street Cemetery. If you know of anyone who is passionate about historical cemeteries send them my way!

Life is definitely not boring and I have a lot to keep me busy. I'm grateful to be making it to 53 and a half and let's see what I can accomplish in the next six months. #354to54