The Years I Gave Away to Survival, Motherhood and the Voice I Still Have

Earlier this year I went to see one of my favorite writers, someone who I first met in 2004. Stephanie Elizondo Griest was promoting her new book, Art Above Everything. 

I went to hear her read at a Nuestra Palabra event. Ironically, I first met her at KFPT, when I was pregnant with my second child Seth, also with Nuestra Palabra. I met her in the lobby of the radio station, after speaking on the NP show and then later, I was one of the beginning writers who opened for her at MECA here in Houston. 

Me, pregnant at MECA, Houston, 2004.

I've always admired Stephanie, and our paths have crossed often in the past 21 years. One time I was in New York having dinner with my cousin, and she invited me to go to a friend's reading. The friend was Stephanie, and my cousin Cindy didn't even know I knew her. Stephanie was promoting one of her books, it may have been Mexican Enough, because it was published in August 2008 and that was around the time I was traveling to New York a lot for work. 

Kids at Brazos Bookstore for Reading, 2018

In 2018 the kids and I went to see Stephanie read here in Houston at Brazos Bookstore promoting All the Agents and Saints. It was so cool to have my kids there, since Miranda was a baby and I was pregnant with Seth when I first met Stephanie.

Fast forward to this year, when I went to hear Stephanie read from her latest book. So many of her words stuck with me—they’ve been echoing ever since.

In Art Above Everything, Stephanie Elizondo Griest names a truth I’ve long wrestled with: that choosing art over motherhood is a radical act of creation, although a difficult one. She affirms that her writing is her lineage, her legacy, her offering to the world. And I feel that. I do. 

But my story holds a different tension. I chose motherhood, and in doing so, I’ve questioned—quietly, painfully—whether I truly love my art. If I did, wouldn’t I have fought harder for it? Wouldn’t I have carved out time, even in the chaos?

I’ve sacrificed my writing for survival, for service, for love. And now I ask: When will I write? Not just scribble in the margins, not just archive rituals in passing—but truly write. As if my pages are my children too.

Griest’s declaration—Art Above Everything—is a stance that I admire. Mine might be: "Art Alongside Everything." Because I’m still here. Still capable of creation, despite how hard it is to have both in this country where we have to work to survive. 

I have so many writing projects planned and I don't want to be retired to start them. I have a novel now, one I've been writing since 2021, that deserves to be finished and launched into the world. I don't want to wait 20 years, like I did with Broken Cousins. I want to finish it and find a home for it, whether it's through the traditional channels or publishing it myself. 

I have three more projects after that one. I want to write something about my matrilineal line and our tie to Houston, a book about Texas vodkas, and another about the history of Mexican bakeries in Houston. 

I have plans. 

I know that realistically I can partially retire in 4.5 years, if I can find a part-time employer who pays health insurance, and as long as I make under a certain amount. If and when I do this, I can write full time. However, I don't want to wait until then. I want to write as much as I can now, while I know I'm still alive. While I know I still have a voice. 

I think of the times in my life that I had the time to write full time, but I worried about survival and didn't just write. The first time was when I quit working full-time for the Houston Chronicle at the age of 24. I was so young! I wish I could go back to that girl and tell her. I worried about my future, and we didn't have the technology (Internet) we have now. I thought I should go to graduate school and started studying for the GRE, instead of writing. I regret that now. Plus, I fell in love with Miranda and Seth's father. 

The second time I tried to take the time to write, was in 2013, a couple of years after my divorce, when I quit working to take care of Seth and my elderly dad, who decided to come live with me. I wanted to write as much as I could, but I found myself working contract, because I was worried that I wouldn't have the money to support my children. In retrospect, I should have just concentrated on my creative writing that year, just one year, and I would have loved to see what I could have accomplished. 

I can’t rewrite those years. I can name them. I can honor what they gave me—motherhood, memory, meaning—and now, I can finally ask for what I need. I don’t want to wait for permission. I want to write while I know I’m alive. While I still feel the urgency in my chest and the words pressing against my ribs. 

I will write. Not someday. Now.

Recap of 2023 and Onward Forward into 2024

As we enter 2024 here's a recap of what I was up to in 2023.

My Art/Collaging

I have to mention collaging first because this is something that I have really been enjoying and it's so good for my soul. It's soothing and almost like meditating. It's funny because I've always considered myself an artist because I'm a writer, but I've never considered myself a visual artist. Collaging has made me realize I am an artist. Honestly I think all of us can be artists.

I've created over twenty collages since February when I started collaging with Scissors of Texas. Some are good, some are okay, some are simple and some are elaborate. This one is one of my favorites. The prompt word was Magic and I decided to represent everything that is magic to me-Art, writing, corporate philanthropy, cemeteries and books. 

My Novel/My Writing

It's a slow process and I need to be more self-disciplined. That's my goal for 2024. I'm going to buckle down and really work on editing my novel the way it should be edited and not half-ass. I still meet with the Central Nebraska Writing Group every month to read what I'm working on and to push ahead. It keeps me honest and consistent. I'm so grateful to this group for being my sounding board.

Corporate Philanthropy

I've served as the Hearst Gives Back Champion at the Houston Chronicle for almost a year and half. It's interesting to think about what brought me to this point in my career. It all started with Little Libraries in Laundromats and serving on the board of the Westcott Cemetery Association. Those were two passions that I pursued on my own time. 

In 2022 I received a service award for my work with the little libraries. I feel like that was my butterfly effect. After I received the award our HR VP asked me if I was interested in leading our Hearst Gives Back efforts at the Chronicle. Somewhere around that same time I also completed our DEI training called Hearst Conscious Inclusion. When I graduated I became a Change Agent. In 2023 I was asked to lead a team a team of Change Agents in Action and I've been busy organizing volunteer efforts for the Chronicle team, but also to fulfill our goal to volunteer with organizations that empower women and girls. I also lead our United Way campaign efforts.

This volunteer work with the Houston Chronicle and Hearst has really awakened something in me. I've realized how much I enjoy working in corporate philanthropy and it's made me feel like I have a purposeful career. I'd like to explore this in the future, after Seth is done with college.

My Career

I had a phenomenal 2023 and I only hope to match and surpass it in 2024. I'm grateful all the good things that happened in 2023 and I will work hard to keep it going. I'm constantly looking for ways that I can refill the bucket and keep my pipeline full. I believe that the energy I put in is the energy I get out of it. 

Zig Ziglar said, "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." I have this quote as a screen saver on my computer. 

As I approach my 54th birthday next month it's hard to believe that I will be retiring from my day job in 11 years. Eleven years will pass me by in no time. I need to make sure that I have everything in place for when that day comes, so I have both a 6 year and an 11 year plan. 

My Family

We had a graduation in the family. Miranda graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Health Sciences in May. She started working in the Pathology and Bone Marrow department at MD Anderson Cancer Center in July. Seth finished his freshman year and got his first real job during the summer. He went back to school in the fall and finished the fall semester strong. He's home for winter break now. 

I am grateful for all the great things that happened this year. 

I'm a Little Morbid, Just a Little, but I'm Also Realistic

Some people would find this morbid or maybe even negative. I find it damn realistic, especially at my age. 

A few years ago I started a list of people who I knew, who died before 50. Topping the list was my  sister, who died at 42. As I started getting older the list grew and I found myself adding co-workers and former classmates around my age to the list. These are classmates from Waltrip High School, the University of Houston and colleagues from the Houston Chronicle.

Facebook memories served up a memory recently about a trip I took with the kids to Marfa, Big Bend and Terlingua in June, 2021. I had a comment from a friend about how she loved staying in the Chisos Basin. She made this comment in June and she died that November. One morning she woke up, had a headache and passed out. She was only 52, one year older than me at the time.

I often see comments on old Facebook posts from friends who have passed and it always makes me smile to remember them fondly and then I feel a little melancholy too. I've started to think of these past messages as little whispers, reminders from them. "Hey live your best life! Life can be short."

I'm 53, eleven years older than my sister was when she passed away. The past eleven years have flown by and I think of all the things I wanted to do, but didn't, because I let life get in the way. 

I came across this blog about feeling like I was on the cusp of something amazing in April of 2021. It blows me away that it's been two years since I wrote that. 

I joined the Central Nebraska Writing Group the fall of 2020 and in April 2021, when I wrote that blog post, I started the first draft of my current novel. I was pretty much finished with the first draft by April of 2022. That's over a year ago! 

So the question is, "Am I done editing and revising it?" The answer is NO. Like I said in a current Facebook post about this, time marches on and when we put off doing things, we look up and the time has passed. So just do the thing. Time is going to pass anyway.

This is why it is so important that I take the time to write 30 minutes a day!  Life is short.

An Empty Nest and the World is My Oyster

We are more than halfway through 2022 and I've only blogged two times this year. My biggest personal accomplishment this year has been that I ran several 5K runs and my first 10K. My second biggest achievement has been that I finally put my 25 year old novel out into the world. The third goal I've accomplished is to do well in my career, chiefly making my goals consistently. My current and most pressing goal is to get these kids off to New York and for them to find an apartment. I picture them living over a deli or restaurant in a building like this is Queens. This is a photo of a building in Brooklyn, but same idea.

I am at a very interesting point in my life. Both my kids will be gone to college now and I'm going to be somewhat of an empty nester. I say "somewhat" because they will still be coming home for holidays and the summer. (There's also the possibility that Miranda may go to medical school in Houston next year.) Other than those times, I will be alone for three months at a time to do more of the things I want to do. 

I wrote about this a year ago and how I felt like I was on the cusp of something amazing. I still feel like that and that I'll be open to more opportunities. I feel like I did in 1993 when I had just graduated from college, started working, and I had my whole life ahead of me. I was free to do anything I wanted to do. I wish I had really appreciated it then. But I'll be there again soon, except this time I have a lifetime of experience that I didn't have back then and I know what little time I have left on this earth.

One of the great things about being where I am in my life is not having the desire to procreate. I wrote about this freedom a while ago when I turned forty-seven. It's a very freeing feeling when you don't really care what men think of you. I'm not out to impress a potential mate any more because I'm done with that biological phase of my life. 

With all this in mind I've created five and thirteen year plans for the things I want to achieve. For these next few years that the kids are in school I want to take in as much art and literature as I can and in turn I also want to create as much as possible. I want to write earnestly and I want to complete a few books, not just this one. I have more personal goals and I want to dream big. I want to be like Grandma Moses and other people who have successfully achieved their goals in the last half of their life. Those people inspire me and are my heroes. 

However, in order to do any of these things successfully I need to be sure I'm around long enough to do them. Exercise and eating right have to be the bedrock on which I build the rest of my goals. If I don't have my health it will be harder to achieve my goals. That's a whole other conversation and post, but one I've blogged about several times over the years. All I have to do is read my blogs from 2021 and I'm reminded of all the reasons why I need to do better before I run out of time. 

Speaking of running, I've been physically running a lot for the past year, but I have realized that nothing works as well as riding my Peloton. I had my blood drawn on Friday for some doctor's appointments coming up and I can literally see the difference in some of my counts during the time that I was riding the bike. It's what works for me and I need to stick with what works. Back to the Peloton drawing board!

An Inspired Life

My best friend bought me this journal  by M.H. Clark (Author), Justin Edge (Illustrator) a while back and I thought it was a blank journal. It took a while before I realized that it has a writing prompt on every other page. The opposite page has an inspiring quote.

Published by Compendium, Inc.

This journal has been so extremely therapeutic! I've been writing in it for the past two weeks and it's really made me think about a lot of things. One of the things I've come to realize is that this blog can serve as an inspiring place. No, I don't have a PhD in Psychology, I'm not even certified in any way to give advice. I'm just a regular middle-aged woman struggling with challenges that  a lot of other people struggle with. I don't plan to give advice. I just hope that by reading my quotes, my stories, the sad and the funny, that people are inspired in some way.

Recently I had someone reach out to me on Facebook and she told me that I inspired her to start exercising and running because of my Peloton journey. That really made my day and my month!

I hope that I can continue to do that with my honest and real posts about everything from exercise, eating right, cleaning up my clutter and balancing it all with work, family and trying to write on a regular basis.

How Do You Create Your Own #WIN?

In my last blog I talked about creating my own #WIN in life. I was referring to this ven diagram that many people share on social media. How do you find what you love, what pays and what you're good at, all at the same time? Sometimes, if you're really lucky you do find it. I did once. I wonder if those people who do find it realize how fortunate they are. Do they appreciate it or do they find something else to complain about? It seems like it's human nature to do that because I did.

So what am I doing? I'm trying to find all 3 again, even if they are 3 different things. Or 2. I love social media and I love writing. I love communications. I can do that here, blogging, volunteering as the social media manager for my daughter's lacrosse team and other non-profits. I can partner with Treviño TodaMedia on their app GritoBlast that we're really trying to get off the ground. Those are things I'm both good at and that I love.

What I do for pay is sell advertising. I was very lucky for many years because I loved it, I was good at it and it paid me very well. Sometimes I don't have all 3 any more, it depends on the month and what I'm doing. I'm in sales so honestly, it also depends on how much money I'm making. Other days I feel super passionate about it because it's my career, not my job.

Then there's the writing, that I love, but I somehow never make room for it. I never give it a chance and I hate that. It makes me question my love for it. Do I really love it? If I love it so much why am I not doing it? I keep telling myself that I need to take a weekend retreat alone so I can kick start my writing and get going on my new novel. Excuses, excuses, I know. I don't need a retreat, I need to just do it. Nobody is holding me back except me. That's all...

So how do I create my own win? How do I find time in my life to do all the things that I love, that pay me well and that I'm good at? How can I do this while raising two kids and taking care of my dad? Those are the questions that only I can answer in order to create my own #WIN.

My Inner Journey, new Goals, new Novel

Things don't always go like we wish they would. It's so easy to get caught up on the idea that a certain thing, job, house, relationship, is going to make everything different in your life and bring you happiness. But like the Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need."

One of my newest fascinations are sacred hearts and milagros. From Casa Ramirez in the Heights.

When we don't get something that we think we really really want, we have to think, "Did I really need that thing OR can I create MY OWN ven diagram in life?" You know, what is your perfect spot? What you love, what pays well, what you're good at - these three things intersected create a #WIN.  Can we just do the things that make us happy to create that #WIN for ourselves? That is what I'm pondering on this weekend.

I've set new goals for myself and some things have already fallen into place. First of all. I love my industry and I love what we do. I know that. I love that every day people in our city pick up a newspaper or turns on their computer to read the words that my newspaper has written and that by selling the ads around those stories I too have had a part in that. If you don't believe that people still read the newspaper, know this, the Houston Chronicle and chron.com reach 1.8 million readers on ONE Sunday. Yes, I am a part of something huge and I get paid to do it. My goal is to make more money doing that this year. More money always adds to my happiness.

I feel like my whole life I keep doing things that take me astray from writing. I make myself go astray starting new projects and always being busy. I am going to start concentrating on writing again and I have an idea for a really great novel. I'm already writing the outline and the characterization charts. I can't share the topic yet but it's going to be a really good one and I'm very excited.

I also love social media and all of the marketing aspects behind it. It's changed the way we communicate and even the way we share news. I'm really excited to take over as the volunteer of the social media for my daughter's lacrosse team. It's going to be great experience and part of my continued self-education. This is something that just came up for me unexpectedly, but just at the right time.

Then there's my inner journey. I just heard that term again yesterday and I thought about what a perfect description that is for my spiritual journey. I'm at a crossroads in life. I don't believe in organized religion, but I do believe in spirituality. (I feel like this topic deserves its own post so I may do a longer one about this later.) I've recently become fascinated with sacred hearts, milagros, old churches and women saints.

I'm on an inner journey right now, combining all the things that I believe in. I have an ad in today's Belief section for an event next Saturday. It's hosted by an organization called Brigid's Place. It's a "service of music and mediation that celebrates the voices of the women who loved Jesus — Mary the Mother, the woman at the well, the woman who anointed Jesus, Mary of Bethany, and Mary Magdalene." It sounds so beautiful to me and I told the organizers that it reminds me of St. Fabiola and my intrigue with her and the Fabiola Project.  I'm really interested in women saints as people and what they did. I'm not necessarily interested in the Catholic religion because it's an organized religion. I'm more interested in the stories and the spiritual aspect of a lot of things.

So there you are. I am going to pursue things that I'm passionate about in life- making bonus, writing, running, social media, bringing order to my life/house and exploring my inner journey. I am going to create my own ven diagram.

Why Would a 40+ Woman Watch GIRLS and Like It?

I'm just going to say it. I like the show GIRLS. Yes, I am a 40+ year old woman who likes this show about 20 something spoiled rich girls in Brooklyn, NY. And no, it's not because it reminds me of Sex and the City, because it does not. It's not even close to Sex and the City with the exception that it deals with four girlfriends and that Miranda had to move to Brooklyn in the last season. And no, it's not because I am living vicariously through these 20 year old girls and wishing I was 20 again. Well, maybe a little... but not for the reasons that you may think.

Photo from HBO.com

I enjoy GIRLS for the story line, the humor and for some of the very real moments that it deals with. I recently read an article by a woman who so clearly didn't get GIRLS or just didn't like it. That's fine. If she didn't like it it's clearly a matter of taste. It's just like some people LOVE Family Guy and love the off-the-wall inappropriate sense of humor in it, and others do not. That's exactly what's happening here.

There are ridiculous scenes like two girls in the bath tub together with one shaving her legs and the other one eating a cupcake. That is the beauty of this humor. Then there's the very real show about Hannah dealing with her grandmother's death and you see and hear the crazy interaction between her mom and her two aunts. Yes, fights like that DO happen! If you don't think they do then you've lived in a very comfortable, protected, lily white world and I envy you.

One of the main reasons I love watching GIRLS is because of Hannah's character. She is weird, awkward, spoiled, narcissistic, confused and in her early twenties. We were all there once and we didn't even have to be all those things.

GIRLS is such a great reminder that you don't have to love your characters to enjoy a show. Hannah has done some things that really make me dislike her, as have some of the other characters, but I forgive them because I want to see what's going to happen next and because I know that it's just a show. For example, I hated Adam at the beginning and then I really started liking him when he saved Hannah from her OCD. At the end of Season 3 I had mixed emotions about him because I could understand how Hannah's idiosyncrasies could be a distraction but I thought he came across as selfish too.

Some of my favorite story lines around Hannah involve her writing and how she struggles with it for various reasons and interruptions, like her OCD returning, the death of her publisher, and then the publisher keeping the rights to her book for two years. It seems like it is always something. I like this part because I can really relate to it.

A very defining moment in the series happens when Hannah starts to work at GQ. She is introduced to all the free snacks and to her co-workers, the other advertorial writers. Here she is, she finally has a great paying job, but she stops and realizes that all these other writers are "real writers" like her who don't write creatively any more. She tries to console herself, after trying to quit, by telling herself

that she'll write on her free time, which we know is easier said than done.

One of my very favorite scenes is the one when Hannah finally really quits her job. It's done in such a brilliant and awkward way and she shows both her ungratefulness to people who just tried to be her friends to her despair in wishing she could save them all. However wrong or right she was, I think she meant well in her usual way that comes across as selfish. She wanted to make them all run away from the temptation of the money and back to their writing. She's still too young and naïve to realize that what they do isn't any of her business.

The last episode brings the whole GQ story and quitting her job all together very nicely when she receives the letter of acceptance from the Iowa Writer's Workshop. I thought, "Ah! That's where you were going with this Lena Dunham and writers!"

It's in these last two shows of the season that I truly lived vicariously through Hannah. As a 40+ year old woman who has been there and done that I could truly relate to what she was going through, that struggle between wanting to write and having to make a living. I too quit my job when I was 24. and I wish I had thought of applying to a creative writing program at that time, like my cousin did. Instead I didn't really write, I went back to work full time after a year, and the rest is history. So watching Hannah in that pivotal moment gave me hope for her character and in a way it reminded me of being 20 something.

It also really made me think of my situation now. Unlike Hannah I'm 44 and I have two children. I can't act as irresponsibly now. I took this year off but I had a financial plan or I wouldn't have been able to do it. I've had my fun and it's time for me to go back to work full time now, writing or no writing.

Did I get any writing done? Yes and no. All I did was work on editing my first novel that I wrote nine years ago but I still haven't taken the steps to self-publish. I didn't write that great second novel that I had planned since before I even quit my job. Ironically, I find myself doing the exact same thing at 44 that I did at 24, not realizing how quickly the years were passing me by.

I was lying in bed with my 9 year old son recently and he innocently asked me, "How many more years do you think you'll live?"

I thought about it, "Around 26," I answered truthfully.

"NO! That's not enough!" he cried.

I thought about it, "No, it's not." And as we lay there I suddenly felt very sad.

So in other words, if any novels are going to get finished, published and written by this 40+ year old woman I better get started now. GIRLS is a great reminder of how quickly the last 20 years have passed me by and how quickly the next 26 years will go by too.

On My 44th Year of Life

Last night I was on the phone with a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while. She asked me how long it had been since I left the Chronicle, my job of 16 years, and I told her nine months. She laughed at the irony of 9 months- the time that we are pregnant- and said that it was as if I had rebirthed myself. I also laughed because I hadn't thought of that coincidence. Also that now, right around my 44th birthday, I have decided to go back to work full time after a 9 month hiatus. Born again.

Me at around one year old.

Nine months to reflect and to enjoy life. Nine months of time with my kids that I had never had before. I don't regret anything. I am grateful for the time that I have had and I am grateful for all the other things I have had in this time. I appreciate our time at the beach at the beginning of the summer, our vacation to DC, NY and Philly, being able to pick up Seth at 3 p.m. from school, having dinner made by 5 many days, being here to help with my dad, editing my novel and finding an editor to help me, and just having the choice.

So many people don't have that choice. I've done something that so many people wish they could do. I also appreciate the opportunity that I've had to start my own business and to be my own boss. That has been a great experience and although I've appreciated it, my realistic side has told me that I'm not making enough and it's time for me to go back to work.

I have been very fortunate. I have been healthy, my kids are healthy, my dad has gotten a lot better since he started living with me, and I have had the means to support us. I have also been able to help out a friend in need.

Yes there have also been challenges. There always are because that's what life is all about.

Last night I watched the latest episode of GIRLS, "Free Snacks,"and I could totally relate to Hannah and her struggle. I have always struggled with my writing and making a living. So much so that sometimes I feel like I'm not a serious writer because I haven't really made the time in my life to write full time. Even in these 9 months that I've been working for myself I have been trying to build my business to make money. I told myself that I was doing this as a means to an end- to have more freedom to write- but I didn't really write. I edited, which is great, and I still have more editing to do, but I didn't write my next novel.

So if I'm going to mention any one regret that would be it. Even then it's only a half regret because at least I got Novel #1 edited and now I can get it ready for publishing. That in itself was a great accomplishment and something I hadn't been able to do in 8 years because I was working full time and caught up in all the other intricacies of life. So I can't complain and I have to show gratitude for this too.

Every year I make my goals at the beginning of the year but since my birthday is in February I take this time to revisit those goals and to revise them where needed. This week my revision was a big one. I decided I am going back to work full time. I've put the word out on Facebook and LinkedIn. I've let the world know that I'm going back to work full time! Now let's see what comes back to me.

My Recurring Final Exam Dream with a Twist

I had that recurring dream again. The one where I get to a class to take a final, but as it turns out I didn't go to class all semester. I forgot about the class and never attended, never did the reading, and now here I am and I have to take the final. And somehow this is always the last class that I need to take for my last college credit to graduate. In the back of my mind I know that I don't really need this class and that I've already graduated. I try to reason with myself not to panic and that's usually around the time that I wake up and I know for sure that it's a dream.

Miranda and I two years ago at her 5th grade graduation.

I hadn't had that dream in a while and I had it a few nights ago, but this time there was a different twist to the plot. Miranda was in the dream this time and I think it was her test but it was also my test. Wow! Freud would have a field day with that one.

I've always heard that the test dream can mean several things. The main interpretation I've heard is that you dream this when you have some big deadline at work or when you're going to be expected to perform. I personally always wondered if there was some correlation between the dream and the Imposter Syndrome theory. Like maybe it's my own insecurity and disbelief that I have actually accomplished as much as I have in my education and professionally. Sometimes it's hard to believe that I did all the course work and that I wrote a thesis to receive my Master's.

When researching this again recently I found this interesting article in Psychology Today that discusses several variations of the dream and the hypotheses. In this particular case when I had the dream, and because Miranda is in it, I think it's because I'm feeling the pressure of my kids' success now. Miranda is in 7th grade and next year this time we'll be waiting to hear back from her high school applications. (I've blogged before about living in the city and our great Magnet school program.)

As parents I believe we think our kids are a reflection of us and how well we've taught them. I feel that pressure many times and I know I shouldn't. My kids are going to be who they are going to be and as their mom my job is to be there and to guide them.

Or does the dream mean something more personal? Am I feeling insecure because I have to go out into the work force for the first time. I just realized that I have never had to look for a job and at my age that can be daunting.

When I graduated from college the Chronicle was calling before I even took my last final asking me to go work for them as a Holiday intern. Then they couldn't hire me because of a hiring freeze, due to the closing of one of the San Antonio papers so I started sending my resume out. I was offered a job at the Corpus Christi Caller Times and I was called back to the Dallas Morning News for a second interview. The El Paso paper also called me, but by that time I didn't want to waste their time or money flying me out to them because I had too many other options. Meanwhile the Chronicle started talking about giving me a full time position which they did by that March and I worked there for two years.

Fast forward to leaving the Chronicle and working for the University of Houston as an ad manager. I was there when an old friend recruited me back to the Chronicle. I interviewed and I was hired, so once again I didn't actively look for a job with them. I stayed there for 14 years before deciding to leave on my own this last May. Now for the first time in my life I'm actually looking for a job, sending out my resume and hopefully interviewing soon. The thought that I have really only worked two places in my adult life- the University of Houston and the Houston Chronicle- is strange even to me.

Yes, I've decided that it's time. Although I have really enjoyed these 9 months at home, doing my own thing and having time with the children, the time has come for me to return to full time work. I have no regrets. I have really had a great time and I have loved the freedom of being my own boss.

If I have any regrets at all it's only that I didn't write more. That's why I've decided that for these last months that I'm going to start looking for a job I'm going to spend part of my time working on two clients that I have decided to keep for now and I'm going to spend more of my time writing.

Sometimes I work better that way. When I know that time is running out on me that's when I get the most done. Now that I know that my days are numbered I will probably write more than I ever did in the 9 months that I've been out of work.... Maybe that's what my recurring dream is really all about.

And Then There Was One

I'm down to just one blog again. I started this blog nine years ago this November 25. (Happy Belated Anniversary to me) Seth was seven months old. Then a few years later, February 13, 2008 to be exact, I started blogging for skirt! magazine. I was thrilled to have another outlet for my voice and for my writing. My handle there was Shoegirl1970 and I blogged approximately 346 times over 5 years and 44 weeks.

 

A couple of weeks ago I received an email that was also sent to all the skirt! bloggers telling us that the magazine had decided to take a different direction and that they will no longer host the skirtsetter blogs. I was so sad. I quickly went to look at my blogs and tried to start saving them but that seemed like it was going to take forever. I quickly gave up. 345 blogs are a lot of blogs. Lesson learned? I should have backed up my blogs every year. Five years and 44 weeks fly by!

 

I also tried blogging on Hips 'n Salsa for a while but it was very hard to keep 3 blogs going, a full time job and 2 kids and that only lasted a year and a half or so.

 

Now I'm back to one blog. The funny thing is that I was recently talking about starting a sales blog for my new business, Casares Communications. I want to blog about the importance of having a sales team, even if it's just one person. I'm just worried if I can think up enough topics to keep the blog going on a regular basis. I still need to put some thought into that. Maybe I can start weekly and move to monthly, depending on the need for information.

 

I have to think about it. For now I will enjoy having only one blog.

I Can't Blog About Beauty Products

I know now why I can't blog about beauty products despite the fact that my mother was an Avon lady for most of my life. It just doesn't hold my interest long enough and I don't find meaning in it. Don't get me wrong. I consider make-up a very important part of life. I don't like leaving my house without it and when I do I feel messy and undressed. But sadly I can't blog about mascaras and what I've found $100 later. I will still write a review because I did buy the mascaras and I did do the research and I owe you all a story about what I found. Maybelline Colossal was still the best.

I realize that I like writing about a lot of other things. I want to blog or write an article about how the Taliban was actually oppressing women in Afghanistan since 1994 and that it took SEVEN years and 9/11 for anyone to do anything about it. The world had been turning a blind eye while women were stoned to death in soccer stadiums. Even then, the US didn't go into Afghanistan to free the women. They went in for political reasons to over throw the Taliban and women just happened to benefit from it. Yeah, those are the kind of subjects that interest me more.

I was so excited to learn about Yahoo Voices. I just joined them and I can't wait to submit articles. I also want to write a travel article about Houston. What a great way to write for the web and to get paid in the process too. Thanks to one of the other bloggers at skirt! who wrote about this great way to get published. I can't wait to get started

I am at a crossroads in my life once again. The summer is over, fall has officially started, and this is when I have to decide if I want to move forward with my own business and give it a go or if I want to get back into the work-force. All arrows are pointing towards me working at my business full time.

The problem is that until I start seeing real money come in on a monthly basis it's hard to envision this as my career. I know that once I make that first big sale it will look like a reality. I already had one close call and I almost tasted victory, only to have it yanked away. Temporarily. I know that if that deal could have happened others will really happen. I just need to keep working at it. It all depends on how badly I want it. And I do.

Life is good. I try to remember that when it gets tough. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have had the amazing luxury to take these four months off from Corporate America. Although things haven't gone exactly as planned, I still had that. I haven't taken this long of a vacation from really working in 19 years. The longest break I've taken since then were the 3 months when Seth was born.

So I write in my gratitude journal (really just my Franklin planner) every day and I remind myself all the things that I'm grateful for. I am grateful for this time to write about what really moves me. I am grateful to have the luxury to decide what I want to do. I am grateful for my abilities that make it possible for me to sell and to make a living. I know I can do this and I will.

Leap Fearlessly and Dare Greatly

Remember how it feels when you jump wildly into a cold pool or into a lake? Have you ever done that? When you do it you are leaping fearlessly into the unknown, especially if it's a lake. That is how I feel right now. I feel like I just took a fearless leap with my eyes closed.

From Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly

 

When I started thinking about leaving my job of sixteen plus years at the Houston Chronicle I couldn't stop. It was like this idea had just overtaken my mind and every time I tried to get it out of there I found myself doing other things instead. I was writing a Pros and Cons list. I was doing a budget. I was checking to see how much money I had in my savings. I was researching insurance. I knew then that I was going to do this.

I love the Houston Chronicle. Don't get me wrong. I learned A LOT during my years there and I still love what they do. I love that they put out a newspaper every day and that the entire city reads it at the same time. There's something magical about being a part of that for sixteen years.

But something else had happened and it wasn't just the Chronicle. It was me too. I was becoming steadily dissatisfied with my job. It was like a bad marriage where it wasn't just one person. It was both of us. I tried changing positions, thinking that maybe I could spice things up. But the truth of the matter was that there was nothing either one of us could do any more.

I applied at a couple of different places over the last few years, thinking that maybe a change of scenery would do me good. A few months ago I applied at a local organization that I really love and admire. I thought that it would be the perfect fit but unfortunately they didn't hire me.

It was after this last job interview that I told myself that I should just leap. I started listening to Brené Brown and her TED talks. I realized that the only way to really be true to myself and to have self-worth was to leap and to leap fearlessly.

I'm actually quoting Kelly Rae Roberts here too because she's the one who has this beautiful print on a frame that says "Leap Fearlessly." I gave it to my best friend when she got divorced and bought her first house a couple of years ago.

So here I am. Today is the first day of my freedom. I was talking to someone about my big step this morning and I realized something. I realized that when I was applying at another organization to get hired away from the Chronicle it was like I was waiting to get saved. And why? Why was I waiting for someone to come and save me when I could save myself?

That's what I've done! I have gone and saved myself and I have big plans this summer. I will be a stay at home mom with the children for the first time in both their lives. I will be available to have my dad come stay with me for a couple of days a week. Most importantly, I'm WRITING and I'm going to do some much much needed remodeling to my house. Finally, I'm launching Casares Communications part time. I say part-time but people are contacting me already about my services. I'm excited about the opportunities that will come my way!

I know it's a lot for the summer but I feel good about my choice. I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm in charge of my future and it's a good feeling. I'm glad that I took this fearless leap and I'm looking forward to this next chapter of my life.

Writing Tour of Houston

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook or on Twitter yesterday was a pretty busy day for me.

My original plan was to  go to Lake Livingston by myself on a writing retreat. It seemed like a very good idea at first. Here is a picture of the cabana where I was going to stay.

Then I realized that instead of having an afternoon lacrosse game on Sunday my daughter would have a morning game. I had to be there at 9:15 a.m, of course. Murphy's Law. The only weekend I actually decide to go do something like this and she has a morning game. So therefore it didn't make sense for me to actually spend the night on Saturday if I had to get up that early to drive back. I decided I would drive out in the morning on Saturday and I'd stay for the day and drive home when it started getting dark. I decided all of this on Thursday.

On Friday I started second guessing myself when one of the owners of the camping grounds called to ask me if I was willing on switching over to a kitchenette because the couple who was staying here on Friday wanted to stay on Saturday too. By now I was thinking it was too far to drive there and back in one day so I quickly told her No, to go ahead and to give them the cabana. I wasn't spending the night on Saturday anyway so it didn't seem fair if they wanted it.

After making that decision I sat there and doubted my decision. I kept searching for cabins or cabanas nearby but couldn't find anything. I thought that maybe I could just go to Lake Conroe.

Finally I got the brilliant idea of doing a writing retreat here in Houston. I started it downtown. At first I wanted to go to the old library but I remembered I hate the parking around there. I parked at work for free and wandered around the Rice Lofts when I saw that Shay McElroy's Irish Pub was open and that they were serving lunch. As soon as I walked in and saw this beautiful little room I knew this was where I wanted to write.

I fell in love with this little side room inside the pub and I definitely want to go back there. I got most of my writing done here. My second stop was the lobby of the Rice Lofts and my final stop was the new area in Washington Heights. In the end I wrote more than 2,000 words.

I still want to go back to the old library and the reading room at Discovery Green. I'll save those for my second Houston tour. I can think of other places in Houston where I can write. The Black Lab is one of the places where I thought of going too.

But in May I want to go to the little cabana on the lake for a weekend to myself. This time I'll plan ahead, drive out on a Friday, and I'll stay until Saturday evening.

Apparently writing retreats are good for me. As it turns out, I picked the best day for my writing retreat. April 13 was also a Nanowrimo Write-a-thon Day.

My Aha! Moment at 42

Today is the second day of my 42nd year and I'm just now getting to writing down my goals for this year. I've talked about my goals but I really wrote them down this time- the things that I want to accomplish in my 42nd year of life. In writing them down I wrote one in particular that I write every single year and I think those of you who know me know what that goal is. To write a new novel of course.

www.annetaintor.com

As I wrote down the goal to write I had an aha! moment. Something that I already knew at the back of my mind, but that I had never been honest enough to really think about. Since my divorce, or even since my separation, I have been wasting precious writing time. I could have really been writing all these weekends that are my free weekends.

I thought about it again today when I read this piece I wrote for Literary Mama four years ago. I used to long for that time to write when the children were young. Now that I have this time without them, and all to myself I'm totally taking it for granted, the way I took my 20s for granted.

I've been so wrapped up in my emotions, in my loss, in my drama, that I've been searching for something that I can only find within. It's like I'm searching for validation or affirmation when I already know the answer. I know I'm an awesome and interesting person. I have a great education, an extremely interesting job at a company that I love, I'm well-traveled, well-read, I'm passionate, very smart and apparently I'm still sexy and attractive.

The truth is, I don't need for someone to tell me any of these things. I know myself. I don't need to be wasting my time or my life looking for validation. So one of my goals for my 42nd year is to stop doing that.

If I can stop wasting my time on trivial and mundane things then I can start using my free weekends for more intellectual things. These are my weekends for goodness sake and I'm wasting precious time! From now on on my free weekends I'm writing or feeding my mind intellectually. At least during the day and I will break for dinner and evening events that are worthy of my time.

That was my Aha! moment this weekend. (a la O Magazine) It took this weekend all alone and really pondering on my life and goals to realize this, or rather to be honest with myself. There are other things on my goal list like running with the kids, eating better (always on the list), making more money, remodeling the house, and the spiritual, but writing is definitely at the top of my list.

Welcome to 2012

Here we are. A new year. New goals, etc... etc...

Annetaintor.com

Now if I could only get my stuff together. Here they are in no particular order. Short and simple.

1. Teach my children more. Read to them more, do more with them. We are going to start reading "The Catcher in the Rye" together like we read "To Kill a Mockingbird" last year.
2. Make more money. This will help me achieve the rest of my goals.
3. Remodel my house. Remodel, remodel, remodel...
4. Continue on this weight loss and exercise journey.
5. Edit my novel and self-publish (yet again it's my goal)

So what are yours?

Thoughts on Writing

My daughter is taking the TAKS writing test today at school and all the parents wrote little notes of encouragement for them and the teacher hung these on the wall outside their classroom. 

www.annetaintor.com

As usual, I lagged behind the other parents, especially the stay-at-home moms who get to be cute and creative. (No, I'm not hating!) I knew about it on Friday, the 18th and I had that weekend to work on it. I didn't. I forgot. I didn't remember until the teacher reminded me when I took my daughter to Literacy Night at the school on Thursday, the 24th.

On Thursday night when I got home I went blank and I felt pressured to finish it so I didn't do it. I told my daughter I would do it over the weekend for her to take it on Monday. So what happened? Yep, you guessed it. Another weekend went by and I forgot again. On Monday morning I screamed, "ARGH!" as I drove away from the house and I realized that I'd forgotten again. (Yeah, I suck!)

Yesterday I got home from the gym and that was the first thing I sat down to do after dinner. I already knew one quote I wanted to write, but I came across another quote by Anaïs Nin and Miranda really liked the second one more. I also added a note of encouragement from me, her father and her brother. Then cute stickers of a ruler, pencil, pen, crayon and some really cute button type of "cutie" stickers.

So here they are in order with her favorite first. I had room for one more short quote and I liked that one by Joan Didion.

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." "We write to taste life twice, in the moment & in retrospection."  Both by Anaïs Nin and "We tell ourselves stories in order to live." - Joan Didion


She was happy and she carried it off to school today to encourage her along in her writing. And I was happy to finally get it done. :-P
All this talk about writing really got me to thinking about my own writing. Lately I've been going through such a range of emotions that my creativity has been sparked. I have a new idea for a novel. or maybe just a short story, brewing inside my head. I'm itching to get it down on paper. I already started a short outline with the idea. Now to write it! Maybe that will be the next short story that I submit somewhere.
 
In my search for quotes on writing I came across this one. "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." ~Henry David Thoreau. Beautiful and so true.

Latest News on Other Blogs & In General

Magnet from annetaintor.com

I had a very productive weekend of writing. I started on Saturday with a blog on skirt! about my favorite all girl band, Girl in a Coma playing at the Tejano Music Awards on Sunday. 

Then on Sunday I blogged on Hips 'n Salsa about logging my food on livestrong.com. Pretty uneventful, but maybe helpful advice to some who don't know about livestrong.com.  

Sunday I also wrote a literary prompt response to this month's Literary Mama essay. I'm not sure if it will be accepted, but I've been wanting to do that for a while. I also need to finish a short story that I want to submit to Glimmertrain. I think I'll work on that next.

In other areas of my life as usual, when it rains it pours! Both my SUVs broke down at the very same time. So we spent today carless and stuck at home. I had to take an emergency vacation day tomorrow so we can take one of the SUVs to the shop and then I'll rent a car for work.

So yes, I'm not really medicated and motivated like my Anne Taintor magnet above says, but I feel like I need to be. I feel like it's always something and like my life is a constant challenge. And then I stop and I remind myself that despite these hiccups in life I have a lot more than many people and I have a healthy family. So I pick up and move on.

Out of My Comfort Zone and Off My Butt

Lately I've been resorting to only writing lunch time blogs. I don’t know how that happened but it did. I don’t know what happened to my writing in general, both in blogging and in trying to write creatively. It, like many other things in my life, has taken a giant detour. Not that I’ve wanted for them to do that, but they have. Life is very strange like that. Sometimes you are living your life, doing all that you can when suddenly things take a sudden and unexpected turn.

Most recently this was true of my job. Things changed and my cheese was moved, yet again. But I’ve been in my industry long enough to expect that change. The thing is that like other things in my life my life was going a certain direction for so long that I didn’t want to get out of my comfort zone to change it.

I received a Master’s in Communication NINE (yes, nine) years ago and I planned on pursuing a career more in that direction. That didn’t happen. I was offered a different position within this company and I took it and I really enjoyed it. It was somewhat along the lines of what I had studied in many ways. I dealt with a lot of organizational communication. Then five years ago I received a promotion and even though I wasn’t thrilled about what they were asking me to do, I took it and I made the best of it. It was not related to project management or communicating with the entire organization like my former position.

So what now? I finally decided to have my resume re-written professionally. That was a big step for me. The company I used did such an awesome job. So there you go. I got out of my comfort zone and did one thing to shake things up a bit. I believe that everyone, whether they are looking or not, should have a fresh updated resume at their fingertips at all times. And I also believe that everyone should have their resume out there. It’s just called being prepared and realistic in this economy and especially in our industry. And that’s what I plan to do.

On to other subjects and back to writing. I need to do something to jump start my writing. I can never concentrate on more than a couple of areas of my life at one time. I’ve been working out pretty regularly for a while now, so I’m doing well there. But whenever I work out I stop writing and vise versa. What a vicious cycle! I’m also lacking in some other areas of my life that will remain unmentioned. I know what they are and I need to work on them. I desperately need to cut out the things in my life that are eating my time.

Summer is here! I need to get the kids registered for summer programs and I need to get on a summer "work-out/writing/spiritual/teaching the children" schedule for myself.

That is my goal for the summer. To get my life back on track in all areas that I am lacking. I need to literally get off my butt! What are your summer goals?

Kids Write to Know "GO GREEN" Awareness

Check out this event next Saturday if you're in Houston.

It looks like a really great event to take the kids. We are planning on attending and will most likely grab something to eat at the Thai restaurant in the same square. If you haven't been to this square you have to check it out. It reminds me of San Antonio.

The event will be held at the East End Urban Market that is in the same square with Bohemeo's and the Houston Institute for Culture.

Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009
Time: 1:00pm

Put your hands to work in a creative way
Increase the value of your community!
Join us at East End Urban Market
716 Telephone Road @ Lockwood

http://www.eastendurbanmarket.com
RSVP at http://www.kidswriteonline.org

Goals:
Help youth discover the power of thinking on paper
& Help increase the value of your community by recycling and going Green

Everyone will enjoy:
Ribbon Cutting Ceremony
Hands-on Workshops by local artists
Special presentations by Kids Write to Know students
Author of "Where is my Daddy", Valerie Paterson Owens

AND Latin Grammy Award (the oh so cool) Artist Lizbeth Ortiz

As well as, Students for a Better Houston digital storytelling projects