The Years I Gave Away to Survival, Motherhood and the Voice I Still Have

Earlier this year I went to see one of my favorite writers, someone who I first met in 2004. Stephanie Elizondo Griest was promoting her new book, Art Above Everything. 

I went to hear her read at a Nuestra Palabra event. Ironically, I first met her at KFPT, when I was pregnant with my second child Seth, also with Nuestra Palabra. I met her in the lobby of the radio station, after speaking on the NP show and then later, I was one of the beginning writers who opened for her at MECA here in Houston. 

Me, pregnant at MECA, Houston, 2004.

I've always admired Stephanie, and our paths have crossed often in the past 21 years. One time I was in New York having dinner with my cousin, and she invited me to go to a friend's reading. The friend was Stephanie, and my cousin Cindy didn't even know I knew her. Stephanie was promoting one of her books, it may have been Mexican Enough, because it was published in August 2008 and that was around the time I was traveling to New York a lot for work. 

Kids at Brazos Bookstore for Reading, 2018

In 2018 the kids and I went to see Stephanie read here in Houston at Brazos Bookstore promoting All the Agents and Saints. It was so cool to have my kids there, since Miranda was a baby and I was pregnant with Seth when I first met Stephanie.

Fast forward to this year, when I went to hear Stephanie read from her latest book. So many of her words stuck with me—they’ve been echoing ever since.

In Art Above Everything, Stephanie Elizondo Griest names a truth I’ve long wrestled with: that choosing art over motherhood is a radical act of creation, although a difficult one. She affirms that her writing is her lineage, her legacy, her offering to the world. And I feel that. I do. 

But my story holds a different tension. I chose motherhood, and in doing so, I’ve questioned—quietly, painfully—whether I truly love my art. If I did, wouldn’t I have fought harder for it? Wouldn’t I have carved out time, even in the chaos?

I’ve sacrificed my writing for survival, for service, for love. And now I ask: When will I write? Not just scribble in the margins, not just archive rituals in passing—but truly write. As if my pages are my children too.

Griest’s declaration—Art Above Everything—is a stance that I admire. Mine might be: "Art Alongside Everything." Because I’m still here. Still capable of creation, despite how hard it is to have both in this country where we have to work to survive. 

I have so many writing projects planned and I don't want to be retired to start them. I have a novel now, one I've been writing since 2021, that deserves to be finished and launched into the world. I don't want to wait 20 years, like I did with Broken Cousins. I want to finish it and find a home for it, whether it's through the traditional channels or publishing it myself. 

I have three more projects after that one. I want to write something about my matrilineal line and our tie to Houston, a book about Texas vodkas, and another about the history of Mexican bakeries in Houston. 

I have plans. 

I know that realistically I can partially retire in 4.5 years, if I can find a part-time employer who pays health insurance, and as long as I make under a certain amount. If and when I do this, I can write full time. However, I don't want to wait until then. I want to write as much as I can now, while I know I'm still alive. While I know I still have a voice. 

I think of the times in my life that I had the time to write full time, but I worried about survival and didn't just write. The first time was when I quit working full-time for the Houston Chronicle at the age of 24. I was so young! I wish I could go back to that girl and tell her. I worried about my future, and we didn't have the technology (Internet) we have now. I thought I should go to graduate school and started studying for the GRE, instead of writing. I regret that now. Plus, I fell in love with Miranda and Seth's father. 

The second time I tried to take the time to write, was in 2013, a couple of years after my divorce, when I quit working to take care of Seth and my elderly dad, who decided to come live with me. I wanted to write as much as I could, but I found myself working contract, because I was worried that I wouldn't have the money to support my children. In retrospect, I should have just concentrated on my creative writing that year, just one year, and I would have loved to see what I could have accomplished. 

I can’t rewrite those years. I can name them. I can honor what they gave me—motherhood, memory, meaning—and now, I can finally ask for what I need. I don’t want to wait for permission. I want to write while I know I’m alive. While I still feel the urgency in my chest and the words pressing against my ribs. 

I will write. Not someday. Now.

Recap of 2023 and Onward Forward into 2024

As we enter 2024 here's a recap of what I was up to in 2023.

My Art/Collaging

I have to mention collaging first because this is something that I have really been enjoying and it's so good for my soul. It's soothing and almost like meditating. It's funny because I've always considered myself an artist because I'm a writer, but I've never considered myself a visual artist. Collaging has made me realize I am an artist. Honestly I think all of us can be artists.

I've created over twenty collages since February when I started collaging with Scissors of Texas. Some are good, some are okay, some are simple and some are elaborate. This one is one of my favorites. The prompt word was Magic and I decided to represent everything that is magic to me-Art, writing, corporate philanthropy, cemeteries and books. 

My Novel/My Writing

It's a slow process and I need to be more self-disciplined. That's my goal for 2024. I'm going to buckle down and really work on editing my novel the way it should be edited and not half-ass. I still meet with the Central Nebraska Writing Group every month to read what I'm working on and to push ahead. It keeps me honest and consistent. I'm so grateful to this group for being my sounding board.

Corporate Philanthropy

I've served as the Hearst Gives Back Champion at the Houston Chronicle for almost a year and half. It's interesting to think about what brought me to this point in my career. It all started with Little Libraries in Laundromats and serving on the board of the Westcott Cemetery Association. Those were two passions that I pursued on my own time. 

In 2022 I received a service award for my work with the little libraries. I feel like that was my butterfly effect. After I received the award our HR VP asked me if I was interested in leading our Hearst Gives Back efforts at the Chronicle. Somewhere around that same time I also completed our DEI training called Hearst Conscious Inclusion. When I graduated I became a Change Agent. In 2023 I was asked to lead a team a team of Change Agents in Action and I've been busy organizing volunteer efforts for the Chronicle team, but also to fulfill our goal to volunteer with organizations that empower women and girls. I also lead our United Way campaign efforts.

This volunteer work with the Houston Chronicle and Hearst has really awakened something in me. I've realized how much I enjoy working in corporate philanthropy and it's made me feel like I have a purposeful career. I'd like to explore this in the future, after Seth is done with college.

My Career

I had a phenomenal 2023 and I only hope to match and surpass it in 2024. I'm grateful all the good things that happened in 2023 and I will work hard to keep it going. I'm constantly looking for ways that I can refill the bucket and keep my pipeline full. I believe that the energy I put in is the energy I get out of it. 

Zig Ziglar said, "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want." I have this quote as a screen saver on my computer. 

As I approach my 54th birthday next month it's hard to believe that I will be retiring from my day job in 11 years. Eleven years will pass me by in no time. I need to make sure that I have everything in place for when that day comes, so I have both a 6 year and an 11 year plan. 

My Family

We had a graduation in the family. Miranda graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Health Sciences in May. She started working in the Pathology and Bone Marrow department at MD Anderson Cancer Center in July. Seth finished his freshman year and got his first real job during the summer. He went back to school in the fall and finished the fall semester strong. He's home for winter break now. 

I am grateful for all the great things that happened this year. 

Art, Shoes and What Not

"El Remendado" by Lizbeth Ortiz

Black Slingbacks by 9 West

Faux Snakeskin by Torrid

Saturday we went by the Houston Institute for Culture for an art show. I got away with a steal! I bought this beautiful "mended heart" by my friend and Latin Grammy artist, Lizbeth Ortiz. Beautiful! 

Also Saturday I went shoe shopping and found a nice conservative 9 West slingback and a crazy faux snakeskin pair to replace a lost pair. See the whole story over on Hips 'n Salsa. Rey isn't too crazy about these shoes. I told him, "But they are just like my other pair that was lost. Do you mean you didn't like that pair either?"  No comment. I guess he didn't.

In addition to all this art and shoe shopping I got some writing done and I took the kids to Build a Bear on Saturday. So I had a very busy weekend, despite the neck pain thing still going on. I can't believe that is still hurting, but thank goodness it is slowly going away. I think I just need a massage!

I haven't talked about my daughter and what predicament I got myself into. My nine year old daughter is in cheerleading! Yes, cheerleading. It all came about because there wasn't a beginning gymnastics class that fit our schedule and she has two school friends in the same cheerleading class. I figured it was great for exercise and for her self esteem. (not that she has low self esteem, just to help make it even better) Well, to my surprise for the next three weeks she has an additional practice day and she performs in Galveston on April 24. Lovely. So now my month is even busier and my life is even crazier.

On a good note, I can work out at my gym down the street on those days she has an extra class. I need to exercise more, but that's a subject for my other blog.

I'm excited for my friend Tony Diaz who has launched a new Latino magazine, Aztec Muse. His launch party is Thursday and I wish I could be there, but it's still tentative.

In addition to that news there is a new initiative to integrate Mexican American literature into the schools. It is developed by the Centro Victoria at the University of Houston- Victoria. There is a free interactive workshop for Houston area teachers this Saturday at HCC, 1300 Holman, Learning Hub 100.  UH Victoria just announced the appointment of Macarena Hernandez as Endowment Professor of Humanities and Dagoberto Gilb, Writer in Residence and Professor of Latino Studies.  Awesome step for Latino literature!