"The who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am"

I turned 46 last week. Yes, 46, as in 4 years to 50, and I'm in a good place right now.

This is me yesterday on an adventure with my 14.5 year old daughter. We took the Metro downtown to the Place Upstairs. They weren't open so we had a snack and a drink at Tacos a Go Go downstairs. I got my hair cut yesterday so I wanted a picture of my hair and I found those amazing readers at another shop upstairs, above Tacos and the Continental Club. So here I am, looking every bit my 46 years.

I'm in a good place because I'm happy. I love just chilling in my house without anyone bothering me and deciding what I want to do and when. Sure, I have the kids and my dad to take care of but other than that I don't have to answer to anyone and that is a great feeling. Even cutting my hair short was a statement of liberty.

I've slacked off on my #Healthy, #Clarity and #Liberty. I need to get back on track there but I'm OK. I'm not going to stress myself out about it because I am free (liberty) to do what I want when I want to do it.

It was a great 46th birthday. I am finally feeling like a grown woman and that's a good thing. I think I felt like a kid or someone's wife for way too long. That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's "the who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am," (Sandra Cisneros)

The thing is this. I have always been under someone's headship. I lived at home until I got married at 27, then I was married for 14 years and we followed the traditional "head of household" relationship. After we got divorced I lived alone for only two years but I was truly alone in every sense for one year and then my dad came to live with me.

Even though I'm taking care of my dad and I'm the "head of household," at least according to the IRS, it is still living with my dad again. There are a lot of things I don't do out of respect for him and his religious beliefs even if it is my house. So in some ways I am still his kid and that's another bridge I will need to cross. My dad is 92 and I'm not in a hurry to cross that bridge if it means losing him.

For now, I celebrate the little victories, like doing what I want in general, letting go, doing my own taxes, turning people away from my door if I don't want to talk to them and voting in the Primary for the first time. (I didn't vote because it was against my former religion.)

I feel free in so many ways that the little ways that I'm not free don't really matter that much. I know that growing up also means letting go in my mind and grasping that freedom and liberty myself. It's what I'm learning to do.

My Words for 2016

A friend of mine gave me this idea a couple of years ago. We choose either one or more words to define our goals for the year. We started doing this when she moved back to Houston from Savannah and this is our third year doing it. It's become a tradition now!

A clean desk after a good house cleaning the day after Christmas, part of clearing the clutter!

This year I've decided not to set any wordy goals at all. I'm only going to use the three words that will be my guide for all things. These three words can act separately, but they can also overlap. I'll define them for the purposes of this blog post only.

Healthy-  This means both physical health as well as mental health. I want to work on clearing the baggage I still carry from childhood and along the way.

Clarity- Clarity of mind and well as soul. This also relates to clearing my life of clutter and goes hand in hand with my mental health.

Liberty- I choose freedom from all things that bring me down, whether they are food, clutter, organized religion, fear, people or the negative voices in my own head.

The older I am getting the less tolerant I'm becoming of people and things that I don't appreciate. I'm still learning to say no and telling people that certain behaviors, like coming to my house unannounced, are not okay. It's my right to say no and I will. Here is to a happy and prosperous 2016!

Last Beauty Product Review of the Year

I tried two new dry shampoos towards the end of 2015 and the winner is still Batiste. I tried Pantene's Original Fresh and Salon Grafix "Invisible" formula.

The Pantene spray left my hair just as oily. It was like I had just sprayed product and mixed it with the oil in my hair to create a thicker more oily film on my hair. Not good! I know I have especially oily hair, so in order to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe Pantene is good if you just have semi-oil or non-oily hair.

Salon Grafix was just a step up from Pantene but still not great. Nothing over the counter has worked as well as Batiste so far.

Of course in the more expensive salon category I still chose Bumble and Bumble. The only negative point I can give them is that they come tinted with color and it does come off on your pillow. So use at your own risk or cover your pillows with a towel.

If you're looking for a way to freshen up your hair, and you don't have time to wash it, I still recommend Batiste Dry Shampoo.

End of Year Recap

Before I Die wall in Midtown Houston.

This is the year that I have blogged the least out of any year since I started this blog 11 years ago.

Here is recap of how many blog posts I have written every year. 2004 doesn't count because that's the year I started the blog and I started it at the end of the year.

Blog Archive

·    ►  2015 (16)

·    ►  2014 (35)

·    ►  2013 (39)

·    ►  2012 (29)

·    ►  2011 (42)

·    ►  2010 (47)

·    ►  2009 (60)

·    ►  2008 (207)

·    ►  2007 (150)

·    ►  2006 (176)

·    ►  2005 (142)

·    ►  2004 (13)

I wonder what was happening in 2008 that I was able to blog 207 times!  2006 was also a busy blogging year. I will do better in 2016. I’m going to set a goal to blog at least 52 times, or once a week on average.

I have several creative ideas for 2016, as usual. Part of me doesn’t want to set any goals for 2016. I hate disappointing myself, but I know I can’t do that. I have to set goals whether I reach them or I don’t, just like I have monthly revenue goals at work. I need some direction on where I’m going in life.

One big goal that is going to be made simple is to do what I need to do to live longer. Simple. If eating chips is not what I should be doing to live longer then maybe I shouldn’t eat too many chips. If I should start exercising regularly so I can live longer then maybe I should exercise more.

My other main goals are going to be about me and finding my center and getting back to the financial place where I need to be. Once I’m financially sound I can fix things around my house that need fixing. I can afford to eat clean, which is something I want to do. I want to do what I did in 2014 when I lost around 10 pounds from just eating clean and not drinking.

I also need to think about my word or words for 2016. What word will describe what I want to achieve this next year? That will be my topic for my next blog.

Finally but most important. What do I want to accomplish before I die? (See photo at the top) It will be here pretty soon, whether I die form a tragedy, an accident or bad genes and bad health, it's out there! And we don't know when it can happen. I saw on Facebook that a friend from high school was very sick. Her daughter posted about it and it seemed that it was serious. Like she was almost dying. She pulled through and when I finally got to email with her to see what had happened she told me that she went in for knee surgery and the next day she passed out from too much anesthesia and didn't wake up for six days! Just like that! Thank God she did wake up and she can talk about it. We do not know when our moment may arrive.

So that's the other thing I want to really think about in 2016. I want to make a bucket list for the last half of my life. I want to live like I'm leaving soon and I want to get the most out of appreciating art, literature, writing and making my own art and literature. I want to help my kids become successful teenagers. What do you want to do before you die?

We Are All Like Stairs, One Step After Another

The thought of my children’s fetal cells living on in my body is pretty amazing. The article I read today from NPR says that some cells may act as little sentinels looking out for breast cancer cells and killing them.

Normal Cells from WikiCommons

I’m comforted by that thought. Also by the idea that their cells stayed in my body long after they were born and traveled to my heart and other vital organs. But it’s the idea of them being in my heart that especially makes me feel like there’s even  more reason why we love our children so much. A part of them is technically inside our hearts until we die. How poetic!

The other theory is equally amazing. We very likely have the cells of all of our siblings who shared our mother’s body with us. Since I’m my mother’s sixth child that means that I possibly have the cells of my 4 older sisters and my brother, who I never met because he was born premature and died shortly after birth. He was born right before me so he left the most recent fetal cells when I was growing in my mother’s womb. And if the theory is correct, then I am the only sibling who carries his cells because I was the only sister born after him. Amazing!

Another thought that warms my heart is that my sisters and I all carry cells from our beloved eldest sister who passed away in 1995. The thought that I carry part of her inside of me is so remarkable. I love thinking that part of her is really here with me.

In reality we each carry part of our mother, grandmother and great-grandmother inside of us too. It reminds me of a line in The Joy Luck Club from the character An-Mei when she said that when we are born a girl to our mother we are “like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.”