"The who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am"

I turned 46 last week. Yes, 46, as in 4 years to 50, and I'm in a good place right now.

This is me yesterday on an adventure with my 14.5 year old daughter. We took the Metro downtown to the Place Upstairs. They weren't open so we had a snack and a drink at Tacos a Go Go downstairs. I got my hair cut yesterday so I wanted a picture of my hair and I found those amazing readers at another shop upstairs, above Tacos and the Continental Club. So here I am, looking every bit my 46 years.

I'm in a good place because I'm happy. I love just chilling in my house without anyone bothering me and deciding what I want to do and when. Sure, I have the kids and my dad to take care of but other than that I don't have to answer to anyone and that is a great feeling. Even cutting my hair short was a statement of liberty.

I've slacked off on my #Healthy, #Clarity and #Liberty. I need to get back on track there but I'm OK. I'm not going to stress myself out about it because I am free (liberty) to do what I want when I want to do it.

It was a great 46th birthday. I am finally feeling like a grown woman and that's a good thing. I think I felt like a kid or someone's wife for way too long. That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's "the who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am," (Sandra Cisneros)

The thing is this. I have always been under someone's headship. I lived at home until I got married at 27, then I was married for 14 years and we followed the traditional "head of household" relationship. After we got divorced I lived alone for only two years but I was truly alone in every sense for one year and then my dad came to live with me.

Even though I'm taking care of my dad and I'm the "head of household," at least according to the IRS, it is still living with my dad again. There are a lot of things I don't do out of respect for him and his religious beliefs even if it is my house. So in some ways I am still his kid and that's another bridge I will need to cross. My dad is 92 and I'm not in a hurry to cross that bridge if it means losing him.

For now, I celebrate the little victories, like doing what I want in general, letting go, doing my own taxes, turning people away from my door if I don't want to talk to them and voting in the Primary for the first time. (I didn't vote because it was against my former religion.)

I feel free in so many ways that the little ways that I'm not free don't really matter that much. I know that growing up also means letting go in my mind and grasping that freedom and liberty myself. It's what I'm learning to do.

New Year is Almost Here

We are two and a half days to 2014. Yep, seriously. I posted this image recently on my Facebook page. I think it's a very appropriate statement for 2014.

Image by Anne Taintor.

I also posted another one telling 2013 thank you for all the lessons and that I'm ready for 2014. I am. I think 2013 taught me its fair share of lessons and I'm done. I know what I want for 2014 and I'm going to go for it.

This was an amazing year, with the good, the bad, and the ugly. I took a HUGE leap of faith in May when I left the Chronicle. I like to think that in the words of Brene Brown I "dared greatly." I did what she says, "What's worth doing even if you fail?" I say this because I did it all on faith without any idea if this would work.

I am building my new business Casares Communications, that has evolved into a media rep company, and I am working on my writing.

I would love to say that I am writing full time but then that wouldn't be realistic either. I have to do something to make money to pay my bills and to take care of my children and I love the freedom of owning my own company and creating my own revenue.

So for the past six months and really more so in the last three months, I have been working on building a business where I can make money but that also gives me the freedom to be here for my kids, my dad and my writing, in that order.

One of my goals for 2014 is to make that business a real success and to make it profitable. I'm not asking to be a millionaire. All I want is to make enough money to cover my expenses, to feed my kids and to pay for my health insurance.

Another thing I did in 2013 was take a wonderful one week vacation with my kids. We went to Washington DC, Philadelphia and New York. It was a great experience they won't easily forget.

At the end of 2013 I tackled my novel again. I hired a wonderful editor who has been helping me edit it in order to get it ready for electronic publication. This is a novel that I started working on in 1996 and that I finished around 2005. Yes, eight years ago approximately. I finished it and then it just sat there forever. I was so excited to find someone as passionate about it as I was and so willing to edit it with me. I am forever in debt to her for encouraging me to do this, just by her interest. That in itself encouraged me so much.

So 2013, you've been good to me in many ways. Thank you for the freedom that I have had to spend time with the kids and with my father. Thank you for the courage to leave my job of 16 years for freedom. I feel like my mind has been freed in so many ways.

And thank you for the lessons. For the lessons in patience, forgiveness and letting go. I have another image by Kelly Rae Roberts that I love and I have to share here. This is me. I have to learn to just let it go.

 

An ex co-worker and one time teammate passed away last Monday, right as we drew near to the end of 2013. She lived life so richly and so fully. She was so ambitious and she reached for her professional goals, while still having fun and finding love again. I want to remember that about her. She lost her life at only 47 and it reminded me of my sister losing her life to cancer at only 42.

 

Ironically, I worked with Janice at the time that my sister was diagnosed and was going through chemotherapy. That was the first time that I had an "Aha" moment in my life and the first time that I left the Chronicle. Now that Janice passed away I remembered Hilda. It was a reminder that we must live life to its fullest and with no regrets.

 

That's what 2014 is going to be about. Letting go, having no regrets, living fully, writing novels and making my business profitable. Everything else will fall into place.