Sunday, December 05, 2010

I Sabotage Myself

Friday while at the gym I was looking at my reflection in the big mirrors next to the treadmill and elliptical and I thought I looked really fat. My reasonable self knew that I've worked out for seven weeks straight so there is no possible way I can be fatter than I was two months ago. I also knew that I was bloated, particuarly on Friday, so of course my belly was probably portruding more than usual. However, I still looked at myself and I had one of those moments when I thought, "What's the point in working out?" It's a dangerous place for me to go.

Image borrowed from

I remember coming back to school in 7th grade after working hard all summer on dieting and exercising, yes in 7th grade! And I remember my good friend Aristotole (yes, that's his real name) commenting to his friend Wayne right in front of me that I'd lost weight over the summer. Wayne turned around and said bluntly and matter-of-factly, "Yeah, but she's still fat." I remember that same feeling of what was the use. I didn't even like either boy. I was just a 7th grade girl feeling the peer pressure to look thin. Back then unless you were as skinny as some of the really slim girls you were considered fat. Middle school is definitely the time when girls lose their self-confidence. It's a brutal time.

Now I'm a 40 year old woman. I've survived middle school, high school, college, post college young years, marriage, pregnancies, 20 year high school reunion, and yet here I am, looking at myself in the mirror at the gym and feeling like that 7th grade girl.

And this is when I sabbotage myself. I start thinking like I did in high school and college that I'm overweight anyway and what difference will it do. I stop working out and I return to my same old habits.

This time I'm not. I'm going to take a shower and then I'm packing my gym bag for tomorrow and I'll keep on going. Today starts Week 8 and I already walked for one hour.

Tomorrow morning I'm going into the lap band clinic and I'm getting a long-needed fill. I'll address my concerns about the lap band working or not working, and then I'll be on liquids for two days and soft foods on the third day. This will be a good week for weight loss.

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