I Still Have Cupcake Issues After ALL these Years!

A long time ago when I was a little girl I loved cupcakes just like all little kids do. The only difference between other kids and me was that I was made to feel guilty when I ate them. I was told I was too fat and that I shouldn't eat any sweets, so then I wanted to eat them even more. One day I went to the store and bought myself one of those packs of two cupcakes. I knew that if my sisters saw me eating them they would chastise me, so instead I decided to eat them in the wash room away from their judgmental eyes. Of course one of them caught me and that was it. I would be told for the rest of my life, "Remember when you used to hide and eat cupcakes in the wash room?" It became something that I had done all the time on a regular basis and not something they caught me doing one time.

annetaintor.com (By the "we" here I mean me and my sisters)

So here I am thirty years later and I have two kids. My husband goes grocery shopping and he buys the kids cupcakes for their school lunch and I can't help feeling that that's "bad."  Worse yet, I wanted to eat one and I didn't want my children seeing me because I didn't want for them to ask for one, so I ate it in the kitchen. (they had already had one) No, I wasn't hiding. Anyone could walk into my kitchen, but yet I felt like I was hiding.

I still have issues after all these years. I can't truly enjoy a cupcake with a cup of milk like a normal kid. Somehow I know deep down that this issue is tied to my issue with food in general. Part of me is still that little girl that feels judged by her sisters and her father. And I'm FORTY years old! Who cares what they think of me, my house, or my children?

I feel like Liz Lemon in last week's 30 Rock show and her issue with Tom Jones. Only I've always known I have this issue and now I just need to figure out how to work through it. I need to start by not giving my own kids issues with food or making them feel judged. Sometimes I catch myself doing that and it makes me mad. There is a fine line between telling them, "no," which I don't have a problem saying to them, and telling them in a way that helps them understand that over-indulgence is unhealthy.

Isn't it lovely how we carry these issues with us for years and years? I laughed when I watched 30 Rock last week but I totally understood Tina Fey's character Liz. Maybe I'm more neurotic than I realize!

So today I had my first meltdown since I'm taking the kids to school now. You can go over and read about that on skirt! I've decided that I need to just stay home and live a stress free life. Oh yeah! I need money to do that and if I stay home I won't have any of that, therefore I'll be even more stressed. So no, that won't work. I think that what I'll do instead is write a blockbuster novel. Blockbuster novel coming up next! It's on my vision board so it's going to happen.

Starting Over

How many times do we start over in our lives? Thousands probably. I don't just mean big life altering start overs, like starting a new job or getting remarried. There are a lot of times that we start over with smaller things, like with our goals or an exercise routine. Today the kids go back to their after school program down the street from my gym. I'm back on my regular exercise schedule starting today. I pick them up and stop a the gym for at least 45 minutes 3-4 times a week. Do over! Let's see how I do.

Here is the vision board that I created for my goals. You can read more about it on skirt! There is a picture of the first version on there, but this is the final version.

Back to Locker #18

I wrote this a while back on Hips and Salsa January 5, 2010 and I've gained weight since I wrote it. So reading this today is helping me put things in perspective again. I haven't worked out on a regular basis since the Spring and starting TODAY I am getting back on a schedule. The kids are going back to their 'After School' program down the street from my gym next week so I'll be working out every day when I pick them up. Today I went to the gym while Miranda was in Cheerleading. Tomorrow I am going to take them walking in the neighborhood.

Exercising regularly, weighing myself every morning, tracking my food daily on livestrong.com and trying on small clothes weekly. It is time to get back on track! I wish it was as easy as being a celebrity whose job it is to look skinny, like Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and Courtney Cox. Of course if I was paid millions to look skinny I probably would too.

Original Blog:  I have a funny habit I told my step-daughter Mandi about when we were Zumba-hopping last week. She laughed when I told her. I always use Locker # 18 in the locker room. I do this to keep my goal right in front of me. My goal is to weigh as much as I did when I was eighteen.

Okay, before you go thinking that's an unrealistic goal and that no almost-40 year old can ever weigh as much as she or he did in high school, you must know that I weighed a lot at eighteen. I also wasn't a size 6, like some teenagers. But I was comfortable at that size. I was a healthy size for my height and very close to my ideal weight. It's also 40 pounds less than I weigh now. That's not so unrealistic when you've already lost 40 pounds.

I thought of moving around to different locker numbers. For example, right now I would be using #25 because I weigh about as much as I did at that age. Then I would move down to #23 when I weigh as much as I did then and so on until I reach #18. That just seemed like too much work and I decided to stick to my end result goal, #18. I want to weigh as much as I did at my graduation.

It's kind of cool that 99% of the time the #18 locker is available at the gym. When I change in the locker room I put my clothes in my gym bag and I put everything in locker #18. As I lock my old fashioned high school-like combination lock on the locker I look at the number 18 before I head out to run on the treadmill and it makes me run faster.

Stuff That Happened in New York

Sorry I've been so delinquent in blogging. I have been literally exhausted all week. The New York trip kicked my butt! I ended up trying to squeeze too much into very little time.

First of all I was there for work so I had to do that first. I had a conference on Thursday and sales calls on Friday. The conference started so early in the morning that I flew in Wednesday. I decided to stay somewhere different this time, and close to the conference, so I stayed at the Holiday Inn in SoHo. We were literally steps from Canal St/Chinatown and only blocks from Little Italy.

When we checked into the hotel we realized a large French group was staying there too. In fact, there was quite a large international group at our hotel. Every time we got on the elevator we heard a different language being spoken. The next morning at breakfast we kept hearing French and Rey was quoting Keven Kline from French Kiss, "You people, you people make my [butt] twitch!" I was cracking up.

It was raining on Thursday morning so when I set out to my conference I decided to take a taxi, even though the conference venue was only six blocks away. It was really wet and I was wearing four inch heels and I figured, "better safe than sorry."

Well when the taxi stopped he said half kidding to me, "You stopped me for six blocks?" Only in New York! No, I take that back. They said stuff like that to us in Rome too. I guess any big city.

Friday I had three sales calls and it was raining of course. I decided to act like a New Yorker and I took the subway to all my spots. I felt very metropolitan! and I thought to myself, like I often do when I visit New York, that I could live there.

After my sales call I met Rey at an Irish Bar in the Financial district. It was such an adorable bar, called Killarney Rose with a sweet Irish bartender named Noel. Upstairs in the Hideout there was another Irish bartender from Limerick. Small world! My good friend lived close to Limerick. We had the absolute BEST pastrami there. From Killarney Rose we walked to Battery Park and then to see what progress they've made on Ground Zero.

So the walking started. I have a theory and it's not really a theory, it's actually a fact. I have really skinny ankles for my body. Look at the picture here. And since I have such skinny ankles and my feet hurt SO MUCH after walking a lot. Just think, these skinny ankles have to hold up all this weight!

Saturday was even more walking. We walked from our hotel to the Brooklyn Bridge and then up the bridge to the two towers. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful walk. We passed some gorgeous buildings on the way, like the Municipal Building in my photo.

We walked back down the bridge and we rested for a bit before taking the Q train out to Coney Island. THAT was a great experience. After buying hot dogs at the world famous Nathan's we went to sit on the boardwalk. We tried to sit on one bench but we got into a fight with some bees who wanted to drink the spilled sweet drink there. They would not give up until we finally moved on to another bench. Even then, one of them went chasing after us. Thus why I never mess with bees or wasps. They are evil!

On our way back up town we decided to rest at our hotel but we probably rested a bit too long because we were so tired. We got back out and went to the Times Square and 5th Avenue area and had Ray's Pizza. We took the subway all of this time, so we were doing a lot of walking. More sore feet and ankles.

Since we were leaving Sunday I wanted to wake up early and to do something, at least one thing, before we left. It was so chilly that morning. We took the train out to the Upper West Side and we went to Zabar's to get coffee. Then we walked over to Central Park to do a little walking and to see that side of the city. I LOVE the Upper West side and decided that even though it was nice to stay in SoHo, next time I want to try the Upper West side. Maybe I can find a good deal there through my corporate site.

So there we go. This was definitely a walking trip and a lot of it was done in just about 36 hours. I really LOVE New York, walking and all.

Recap of New York Restaurants where we ate:
Carnegie Deli
The Original Vincent's Italian Restaurant
Killarney Rose
Red Egg
Nathan's Hot Dogs
Ray's Pizza