Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Hurrah! At Last I'm 42

No, not really...I'm not excited that I'm turning 42 in a week and a half. If anything, I'm terrified. You see, my sister died when she was 42 and now that has become a big milestone for me. It makes me aware of my own mortality.

I was 25 when we lost Hilda and 42 seemed so old to me then. It was a grown up and I did not feel like a grown up at that point in my life. I had just spent a month penniless in Spain that summer prior to her death. Penniless but free of responsibilities, mortgages, house payments, children, debt.. and the list goes on. But I was 25.

Now here I am on the threshold of turning 42 myself and I have never felt less like an an adult. I feel like I can't get my footing on anything, except for those things that include my children. When it comes to the children I'm operating on autopilot. I know what I need to do with them. I know that their education is important and I'm doing all that I can to take care of their physical and emotional needs.

However, I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I've written down my goals but I haven't written out a plan on how I'm going to get there. Now as my birthday looms above me I know that a plan is in also in order. I need to "plan my work and work my plan," as an ad VP used to say to us all the time.

I don't want to be "a wandering generality." I want to be "a meaningful specific." (Zig Ziglar) Only I can make that change. Lately I'm feeling more like a wandering generality that has lost her way. I need to find my way back to my original path in life and I need to plan how I'm going to do that.

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