I've had four very significant deaths in my life these past thirty years. This August it will be thirty years since my eldest sister died from Leukemia. I lost my mother in 2000 and my father in 2018. All of them were sick or old, so I expected death. Maybe not the exact day that they died, but I knew they were going to die, and it wasn't a shock.
When Rey died, I wasn't ready. Not at all. And it's something I'm still struggling with eight months later. It's still a very surreal feeling that he was here one day and gone the next. Just like that. No warning.
It's very complicated to explain my and Rey's relationship. It was love and hate, push and pull, obsessive, co-dependent, unhealthy, and yet a co-parenting partnership that many admired. Nobody except my closest friends, family and our children knew the real truth. It's not a topic for a short blog post. It's a whole book's worth and maybe a book I should write in the future.
Yes, I was very close to my sister, my mother and my father, who lived with me the last four years of his life, but even then, I wasn't as close to them as I was to Rey. Nobody was inside my head like he was.
Eleven years ago, I started a list of people who had died, family and friends. I think I started it to remind myself of all the people who died at an age that is considered young. Like the co-workers who died at 39 and 47 from cancer. Or the classmates who died in their early 40s, both suddenly in their sleep, like Rey. I added him to that list this week.
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| Ghent, Belgium |
I always say that when someone I know dies, I'm reminded of my own mortality and how fragile life can be. I say that I'm going to do better, that I'm going to eat better, and exercise more. I say that I'm going to appreciate life more and do all the things that bring me joy.
Death affects me. Death is shaping me. Death is making me reevaluate my life once again. Death reminds me to LIVE. Especially now, when I'm ten years away from retirement and terrified that I won't live long enough to enjoy it. One of the people on my list was a co-worker who was counting down the months to her retirement and was found dead in her bed when she didn't show up to work.
This summer vacation to Europe was a reminder of how I want to travel when I retire. I'm realistic enough to know that I need to keep working and that I need to do well, so I can have the kind of retirement that I want. I need to work to have the money, and I need health insurance to help keep me healthy.
When I was 22 and my sister died, I reevaluated my life for the first time, and I did something impulsive and quit my job. I felt like I had rushed to finish college and had started working too soon. I thought that I wanted to become a teacher or move to Europe to teach English, so I started substitute teaching and planning my move with a friend in Spain. And no, I didn't move to Spain.
I'm no 22-year-old girl anymore and I can't do that. I have a mortgage, a son who has a year of college left and a daughter starting graduate school. I still have people I'm responsible for, at least for two more years.
I can't run away to Europe, so instead I choose to live a life of intention. I will do the things that bring me joy; like going to art museums, to readings to hear authors read, collaging, writing, reading, going to book club meetings, working on my little libraries, supporting a historic cemetery, volunteering at non-profit organizations, mentoring young professionals, and doing 5K runs, and the list goes on.
I recently took a writing class with a writer's organization, Writespace and I decided to become a member. I'm attending two of their events this month. My goal is to do more writing activities with groups, so I can stay motivated to write and to start submitting my work to literary magazines.
I went to see the Psychedelic Furs perform tonight and Richard Butler and his brother Tim Butler are 69 and 66. They still sound the same as they did forty years ago. As I was sitting there listening to them, I marveled at the fact that one of the reasons they're still performing is because they love what they do. I've heard the saying before, that when you love what you do for work, it's like you're not working a day in your life. You can tell by their performance that they love their careers. That would be the ultimate gift
When I mention retiring some people tell me that they'll be bored when they retire and I don't understand that. I'll have more time to do the things I love when I retire. Right now, the weekends are too short. I wish I could stretch the time out to do everything that I want to do.
For example, this coming week is full every day of the week. I have a book club meeting on Monday, collaging on Tuesday, meeting with my writing group on Wednesday, and a concert with my kids on Thursday. Saturday morning, I have an art and writing event with Writespace and that night a graduation party for my best friend's niece.
It's just me "creating happiness for myself.," like Isa Rae said. And that is all I need right now.
