Sunday, February 21, 2016

"The who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am"

I turned 46 last week. Yes, 46, as in 4 years to 50, and I'm in a good place right now.

This is me yesterday on an adventure with my 14.5 year old daughter. We took the Metro downtown to the Place Upstairs. They weren't open so we had a snack and a drink at Tacos a Go Go downstairs. I got my hair cut yesterday so I wanted a picture of my hair and I found those amazing readers at another shop upstairs, above Tacos and the Continental Club. So here I am, looking every bit my 46 years.

I'm in a good place because I'm happy. I love just chilling in my house without anyone bothering me and deciding what I want to do and when. Sure, I have the kids and my dad to take care of but other than that I don't have to answer to anyone and that is a great feeling. Even cutting my hair short was a statement of liberty.

I've slacked off on my #Healthy, #Clarity and #Liberty. I need to get back on track there but I'm OK. I'm not going to stress myself out about it because I am free (liberty) to do what I want when I want to do it.

It was a great 46th birthday. I am finally feeling like a grown woman and that's a good thing. I think I felt like a kid or someone's wife for way too long. That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's "the who-I-was who would become the the who-I-am," (Sandra Cisneros)

The thing is this. I have always been under someone's headship. I lived at home until I got married at 27, then I was married for 14 years and we followed the traditional "head of household" relationship. After we got divorced I lived alone for only two years but I was truly alone in every sense for one year and then my dad came to live with me.

Even though I'm taking care of my dad and I'm the "head of household," at least according to the IRS, it is still living with my dad again. There are a lot of things I don't do out of respect for him and his religious beliefs even if it is my house. So in some ways I am still his kid and that's another bridge I will need to cross. My dad is 92 and I'm not in a hurry to cross that bridge if it means losing him.

For now, I celebrate the little victories, like doing what I want in general, letting go, doing my own taxes, turning people away from my door if I don't want to talk to them and voting in the Primary for the first time. (I didn't vote because it was against my former religion.)

I feel free in so many ways that the little ways that I'm not free don't really matter that much. I know that growing up also means letting go in my mind and grasping that freedom and liberty myself. It's what I'm learning to do.